Wintersmith (Discworld 35)

"Ah'm Rob Anybody, Big Man o' the Chalk Hill clan," said the one with the rabbit-skull helmet. "And —"

"Aye? Big Man, are ye? Then ye'll do me the courtesy an' tak' off yon bony bonnet ere ye speak tae me!" said Miss Treason, enjoying herself no end. "An' stannit up straight! I will have nae slouchin' in this hoose!" Instantly all four Feegles stood to rigid attention. "Right!" said Miss Treason. "An' who are the rest o' yez?"

"This is my brother Daft Wullie, miss," said Rob Anybody, shaking the shoulder of the Feegle who was an instant wailer. He was staring in horror at Enochi and Athootita. "An' the other two of you…I mean, twa' o' ye?" said Miss Treason. "You, there. I mean ye. Ye have the mousepipes. Are ye a gonnagle?"

"Aye, mistress," said a Feegle who looked neater and cleaner than the others, although it had to be said that there were things living under old logs that were cleaner and neater than Daft Wullie. "And your name is…?"

"Awf'ly Wee Billy Bigchin, mistress."

"You're staring hard at me, Awf'ly Wee Billy Bigchin," said Miss Treason. "Are ye afraid?"

"No, mistress. I wuz admirin' ye. It does my heart good tae see a witch so…witchy."

"It does, does it?" said Miss Treason suspiciously. "Are ye sure ye're no' afraid o' me, Mr. Billy Bigchin?"

"No, mistress. But I will be if it makes ye happy," said Billy carefully. "Hah!" said Miss Treason. "Well, I see we have—hae a clever one here. Who is your big friend, Mr. Billy?" Billy elbowed Big Yan in the ribs. Despite his size, which for a Feegle was huge, he was looking very nervous. Like a lot of people with big muscles, he got edgy about people who were strong in other ways. "He's Big Yan, mistress," Billy Bigchin supplied, while Big Yan stared at his feet. "I see he's got a necklace o' big teeth," said Miss Treason. "Human teeth?"

"Aye, mistress. Four, mistress. One for every man he's knocked out."

"Are you talking about human men?" asked Miss Treason in astonishment. "Aye, mistress," said Billy. "Mostly he drops on 'em heidfirst oot o' a tree. He has a verra tough heid," he added, in case this wasn't clear. Miss Treason sat back. "And now you will kindly explain why ye were creepin' aboot here in my hoose," she said. "Come along, now!" There was a tiny, tiny pause before Rob Anybody said happily, "Oh, weel, that's easy. We wuz huntin' the haggis."

"No, you weren't," said Miss Treason sharply, "because a haggis is a pudding of sheep's offal and meat, well spiced and cooked in a sheep's stomach."

"Ah, that is only when ye canna find the real thing, mistress," said Rob Anybody carefully. "'Tis no' a patch on the real thing. Oh, a canny beast is the haggis, which makes its burrows in tattie cellars…."

"And that's the truth? You were hunting the haggis? Is it, Daft Wullie?" said Miss Treason, her voice suddenly sharp. All eyes, including a pair belonging to an earwig, turned to the luckless Wullie. "Er…aye…oooh…aarg…waily, waily, waily!" moaned Daft Wullie, and dropped to his knees. "Please dinna do somethin' horrible tae me, mistress!" he begged. "Yon earwiggy is givin' me a dreadful look!"

"Very well, we shall start again," said Miss Treason. She reached up and tore off her blindfold. The Feegles stepped back as she touched the skulls on either side of her. "I do not need eyes to smell a lie when it comes calling," she said. "Tell me why you are here. Tell me… again." Rob Anybody hesitated for a moment. This was, in the circumstances, very brave of him. Then he said: "'Tis aboot the big wee hag, mistress, we came."

"The big wee—Oh, you mean Tiffany?"

"Aye!"

"We is under one o' them big birds," said Daft Wullie, keeping his eyes averted from the witch's blind stare. "He means a geas, mistress," said Rob Anybody, glaring at his brother. "It's like a—"

"—a tremendous obligation that you cannot disobey," said Miss Treason. "I ken what a geas is. But why?" Miss Treason had heard a lot of things in 113 years, but now she listened in astonishment to a story about a human girl who had, for a few days at least, been the kelda of a clan of Nac Mac Feegles. And if you were their kelda, even for a few days, they'd watch over you…forever. "An' she's the hag o' our hills," said Billy Bigchin. "She cares for them, keeps them safe. But…" He hesitated, and Rob Anybody continued: "Our kelda is havin' dreams. Dreams o' the future. Dreams o' the hills all froze an' everyone deid an' the big wee hag wearin' a crown o' ice!"

"My goodness!"

"Aye, an' there wuz more!" said Billy, throwing out his arms. "She saw a green tree growin' in a land o' ice! She saw a ring o' iron! She saw a man with a nail in his heart! She saw a plague o' chickens an' a cheese that walks like a man!" There was silence, and then Miss Treason said: "The first two, the tree and the ring, no problem there, good occult symbolism. The nail, too, very metaphorical. I'm a bit doubtful about the cheese—could she mean Horace?—and the chickens…I'm not sure you can have a plague of chickens, can you?"

"Jeannie wuz verra firm about them," said Rob Anybody. "She's dreamed many strange and worryin' things, so we thought we might just see how the big wee hag wuz gettin' along." Miss Treason's various eyes stared at him. Rob Anybody stared back with an expression of ferocious honesty, and did not flinch. "This seems an honorable enterprise," she said. "Why start by lying?"

"Oh, the lie wuz goin' tae be a lot more interestin'," said Rob Anybody. "The truth of the matter seems quite interesting to me," said Miss Treason. "Mebbe, but I wuz plannin' on puttin' in giants an' pirates an' magic weasels," Rob declared. "Real value for the money!"

"Oh well," said Miss Treason. "When Miss Tick brought Tiffany to me, she did say she was guarded by strange powers."

"Aye," said Rob Anybody proudly. "That'd be us, right enough."

"But Miss Tick is a rather bossy woman," said Miss Treason. "I am sorry to say I didn't listen much to what she said. She is always telling me that these girls are really keen to learn, but mostly they are just flibbertigibbets who want to be a witch to impress the young men, and they run away after a few days. This one doesn't, oh no! She runs toward things! Did you know she tried to dance with the Wintersmith?!"

"Aye. We ken. We were there," said Rob Anybody. "You were?"

"Aye. We followed yez."

"No one saw you there. I would have known if they did," Miss Treason said. "Aye? Weel, we're good at no one seein' us," said Rob Anybody, smiling. "It's amazin', the people who dinna see us."

"She actually tried to dance with the Wintersmith," Miss Treason repeated. "I told her not to."