Making Money (Discworld 36)

'And, er, what defines an evil wizard?' said Adora Belle.

'Well, doing necromancy would definitely be there right on top of the list.'

'Could you just remind us what you are going to do?'

'We're going to talk to the late Professor Flead,' said Hicks.

'Who is dead, yes?'

'Very much so. Extremely dead.'

'Isn't that just a tiny bit like necromancy?'

'Ah, but, you see, for necromancy you require skulls and bones and a general necropolitan feel,' said Dr Hicks. He looked at their expressions. 'Ah, I see where you're going here,' he said, with a little laugh that cracked a bit around the edges. 'Don't be deceived by appearances. I don't need all this. Professor Flead does. He's a bit of a traditionalist and wouldn't get out of his urn for anything less than the full Rite of Souls complete with Dread Mask of Summoning.' He twanged a fang.

'And that's the Dread Mask of Summoning, is it?' said Moist. The wizard hesitated for a moment before saying: 'Of course.'

'Only it looks just like the Dread Sorcerer mask they sell in Boffo's shop in Tenth Egg Street,' said Moist. 'Excellent value at five dollars, I thought.'

'I, er, think you must be mistaken,' said Hicks.

'I don't think so,' said Moist. 'You left the label on.'

'Where? Where?' The I'm-not-a-necromancer-at-all snatched up the mask and turned it over in his hands, looking for -

He saw Moist's grin and rolled his eyes. 'All right, yes,' he muttered. 'We lost the real one. Everything gets lost round here, you just wouldn't believe it. They're not clearing up the spells properly. Was there a huge squid in the corridor?'

'Not this afternoon,' said Adora Belle.

'Yes, what's the reason for the squid?'

'Oooh, let me tell you about the squid!' said Hicks.

'Yes?'

'You don't want to know about the squid!'

'We don't?'

'Believe me! Are you sure it wasn't there?'

'It's the sort of thing you notice,' said Adora Belle.

'With any luck that one's worn off, then,' said Hicks, relaxing. 'It really is getting impossible. Last week everything in my filing cabinet filed itself under "W". No one seems to know why.'

'And you were going to tell us about the skulls,' said Adora Belle.

'All fake,' said Hicks.

'Excuse me?' The voice was dry and crackly and came from the shadows in the far corner.

'Apart from Charlie, of course,' Hicks added hurriedly. 'He's been here for ever!

'I'm the backbone of the department,' said the voice, a shade proudly.

'Look, shall we get started?' said Hicks, rummaging in a black velvet sack. 'There are some hooded black robes on the hook behind the door. They're just for show, of course, but nee -  Post-Mortem Communications is all about theatre, really. Most of the people we... communicate with are wizards, and frankly they don't like change.'

'We're not going to do anything... ghoulish, are we?' said Adora Belle, looking at a robe doubtfully.