Making Money (Discworld 36)

'He was thirteen,' said Miss Drapes, and she blew her nose loudly. 'It's so sad.' She turned a tearful face towards Moist. 'There's something dreadful in his past, Mr Lipstick. They say one day some men came to the bank and asked - '

'This is it, Mrs Cake's,' said the cabman, pulling up sharply, 'an' that'll be eleven pence and don't ask me to hang about 'cos they'll have the 'orse up on bricks and its shoes off in a wink.'

The door of the boarding house was opened by the hairiest woman Moist had ever seen, but in the area of Elm Street you learned to discount this sort of thing. Mrs Cake was famously accommodating to the city's newly arrived undead, giving them a safe and understanding haven until they could get on their feet, however many they had.

'Mrs Cake?' he said.

'Mother's at church,' said the woman. 'She said to expect you, Mr Lipwig.'

'You have a Mr Bent staying here, I believe?'

'The banker? Room Seven on the second floor. But I don't think he's in. He's not in trouble, is he?'

Moist explained the situation, aware all the while of doors opening a fraction in the shadows beyond the woman. The air was sharp with the smell of disinfectant; Mrs Cake believed that cleanliness was more to be trusted than godliness and, besides, without that sharp note of pine half the clientele would be driven mad by the smell of the other half.

And in the middle of all this was the silent, featureless room of Mr Bent, chief cashier. The woman, who volunteered that her name was Ludmilla, let them in, very reluctantly, with a master key.

'He's always been a good guest,' she said, 'never a moment's trouble.'

One glance took in everything: the narrow room, the narrow bed, the clothes hanging neatly around the walls, the tiny jug and basin set, the incongruously large wardrobe. Lives collect clutter, but Mr Bent's did not. Unless, of course, it was all in the wardrobe.

'Most of your long-term guests are unde - '

' - differently alive,' said Ludmilla sharply.

'Yes, of course, so I'm wondering why... Mr Bent would stay here.'

'Mr Lipwick, what are you suggesting?' said Miss Drapes.

'You must admit it's rather unexpected,' said Moist. And, because she was already distraught enough, he didn't add: I don't have to suggest anything. It suggests itself. Tall. Dark. Gets in before dawn, leaves after dark. Mr Fusspot growls at him. Compulsive counter. Obsessive over detail. Gives you a gentle attack of the creeps which makes you feel mildly ashamed. Sleeps on a long thin bed. Stays at Mrs Cakes, where the vampires hang up. It's not very hard to join up the dots.

'This isn't about the man who was here the other night, is it?' said Ludmilla.

'What man would that be?'

'Didn't give a name. Just said he was a friend. All in black, had a black cane with a silver skull on it. Nasty piece of work, Mum said. Mind you,' Ludmilla added, 'she says that about nearly everyone. He had a black coach.'

'Not Lord Vetinari, surely?'

'Oh, no, Mum's all for him, except she thinks he ought to hang more people. No, this one was pretty stout, Mum said.'

'Oh, really?' said Moist. 'Well, thank you, ma'am. Perhaps we should be going. By the way, do you by any chance have a key to that wardrobe?'

'No key. He put a new lock on it years ago, but Mum didn't complain because he's never any trouble. It's one of those magic ones they sell at the University,' Ludmilla went on, as Moist examined the lock. The trouble with the wretched magical ones was that just about anything could be a key, from a word to a touch.

'It's rather strange that he hangs all his clothes on the walls, isn't it?' he said, straightening up.

Ludmilla looked disapproving. 'We don't use the word strange in this household.'

'Differently normal?' Moist suggested.

'That'll do.' There was a warning glint in Ludmilla's eye. 'Who can say who is truly normal in this world?'

Well, someone whose fingernails don't visibly extend when they're annoyed would be a definite candidate, thought Moist. 'Well, we should get back to the bank,' he said. 'If Mr Bent turns up, do tell him that people are looking for him.'

'And care about him,' said Miss Drapes quickly, and then put a hand over her mouth and blushed.

I just wanted to make money, thought Moist, as he led the trembling Miss Drapes back to the area where cabs dared to go. I thought life in banking was profitable boredom punctuated by big cigars. Instead, it has turned out differently normal. The only really sane person in there is Igor, and possibly the turnip. And I'm not sure about the turnip.