Unseen Academicals (Discworld 37)

'Yes, sir?' said Ponder wearily.

'Promote him. Whatever level he is, move him up one.'

'I think that'll send the wrong kind of signal,' Ponder tried.

'On the contrary, Mister Stibbons. It will send exactly the right message to the student body.'

'But he disobeyed an express order, may I point out?'

'That's right. He showed independent thinking and a certain amount of pluck, and in the course of so doing added valuable data to our understanding of the Cabinet.'

'But he might have destroyed the whole university, sir.'

'Right, in which case he would have been vigorously disciplined, if we'd been able to find anything left of him. But he didn't and he was lucky and we need lucky wizards. Promote him, on the direct order of me, not pp'd at all. Incidentally, how loud were his screams?'

'As a matter of fact, Archchancellor, the first one was so heartfelt that it kept going long after he'd run out of breath and apparently adopted an independent existence. Residual magic again. We've had to lock it in one of the cellars.'

'Did he actually say what the bacon sandwich was like?'

'Coming or leaving, sir?' said Ponder.

'Only coming, I think,' said Ridcully. 'I do have a vivid imagination after all.'

'He said it was the most delightful bacon sandwich he'd ever eaten. It was the bacon sandwich that you dream of when you hear the words bacon sandwich and never, ever quite get.'

'With brown sauce?' said Ridcully.

'Of course. Apparently, it was the bacon sandwich to end all bacon sandwiches.'

'It nearly did, for him, but isn't that what you already know about the Cabinet? That it always delivers a perfect specimen?'

'Actually, we know very little for certain,' said Ponder. 'What we do know is that it will hold nothing too large to fit inside a cube measuring 14.14 inches recurring on a side, that it will cease working if, we now know, a non-organic object is not replaced in it in 14.14 hours recurring, and that none of its contents are pink, although we do not know why this should be.'

'But bacon is definitely organic, Mister Stibbons,' said Ridcully.

Ponder sighed. 'Yes, sir, we don't know why that is either.'

The Archchancellor took pity on him. 'Perhaps it was one of those very crispy ones,' he suggested kindly. 'The kind that you can break between your fingers. I like that in a bacon sandwich.'

The door swung open and there it was. Small, in the centre of a very large room...

The Cabinet of Curiosity.

'Do you think this is wise?' said Ponder.

'Of course not,' said Ridcully. 'Now find me a football.'

On one wall was a white mask, such as one might wear to a carnival. Ponder turned towards it. 'Hex. Please find me a ball suitable for the game of football.'

'That mask is new?' said Ridcully. 'I thought Hex's voice travelled in blit space?'

'Yes, sir. It just comes out of the air, sir. But somehow, well, it feels better to have something to talk to.'

'What shape football do you require?' said Hex, his voice as smooth as clarified butter. 'Oval or spherical?'

'Spherical,' said Ponder.

Instantly the Cabinet shook.