Unseen Academicals (Discworld 37)

'If we were the men our fathers were, we'd be throwing fireballs by now,' said Henry.

'The point is taken,' said Ridcully. 'Although, I must point out, our fathers were not wizards.'

'That's right, of course,' said the former Dean. 'Your father was a butcher, as I recall.'

'That's right. And your father owned a lot of cabbage fields,' said Ridcully.

There was a moment's silence and then the former Dean said, 'Remember the day we both turned up at UU?'

'We fought like tigers as I recall,' said Ridcully.

'Good times, when you come to remember them,' said the Dean.

'Of course, we've all passed a lot of water over the bridge since then,' said Ridcully. There was another pause and he added, 'Fancy a drink?'

'I don't mind if I do,' said the former Dean.

'So you are trying to play football?' said Henry as they progressed majestically towards the Archchancellor's office. 'I did see something about it in the paper, but I thought it was a joke.'

'Why, pray?' said Ridcully as they began to walk across the Great Hall. 'We have a fine sporting tradition, as well you know!'

'Ah yes, tradition is the scourge of endeavour. Be sensible, Mustrum. The leopard may change his shorts, but I think he'd have a job getting into the ones he wore forty years ago. Oh, I see that you still have Mister Stibbons here?'

'Er... ' began Ponder, looking from one to the other.

Ponder Stibbons had once got one hundred per cent in a prescience exam by getting there the previous day. He could see a little storm cloud when it was beginning to grow.

'How's the football going, lad?'

'Oh, it seems to be going very well, Archchancellor. Good to see you again, Dean.'

'Archchancellor,' purred the former Dean. 'I wonder how good you would be against my university.'

'Well, we have a pretty nifty team built here,' said Ridcully, 'and, while it is our intention to play our first game against a local side, I would take great pleasure in showing Brazeneck a thing or two on the field.' By now they were almost in the middle of the Great Hall and their presence, not unexpectedly, had stopped play.

'Archchancellor, I really feel that it might be a good idea to - ' Ponder began, but his voice was drowned out by the roar of approval that rang out from all sides around the Great Hall.

'And the prize would be?' said Henry, smiling at the crowd.

'What?' spluttered the Archchancellor. 'What prize?'

'We picked up a few rowing trophies when we were lads, didn't we?'

'I believe the Patrician has got something planned for the league, yes.'

'I think that refreshments will be laid out in the Blue refectory shortly,' said Ponder with a kind of desperate, sweaty cheerfulness. 'There will, of course, be cake, but also, I believe, an interesting assortment of curries.'

On many occasions this might have worked, but the two senior wizards had locked glares and would not so much as blink, even for a slice of Ploughman's Pie.

'But we men of craft are not interested in such paltry baubles as cups and medals, are we?' said Henry. 'For us it's huge great big baubles or nothing, is that not right, Mustrum?'

'You are after the Hat,' said Ridcully flatly. The air between them was humming.

'Yes, of course.'

There followed the menacing silence of a clash of wills, but Ponder Stibbons decided that as he was, technically, twelve important people at the university, he formed, all by himself, a committee, and since he was therefore, de facto, very wise, he should intervene.

'And your stake, Dea - Sir, would be... ?'