Unseen Academicals (Discworld 37)

'I think, Stibbons, that you should sort it out when you have a moment,' said the Chair.

'Bingo!'

'I beg your pardon, Stibbons?'

'Oh, nothing, sir, not really. I was just pondering, as it were, on the unchangeable nature of the universe.'

'I'm glad somebody is. Keep it up.' The Lecturer in Recent Runes looked around and added, 'It all seems to have quietened down. That curry sounds amusing.'

There was a general movement towards the doors on the part of those wizards who were well endowed with years, gravitation or both, but the scratch match went on among those less magnetically attracted to knives and forks.

Ponder sat down, his clipboard balanced on his lap. 'I don't have the faintest idea what I'm doing here,' he declared to the world around him.

'May I be of some worth, sir?'

'Mister Nutt? Oh, well, it's very kind of you, but I don't think that your skill with a candle can be of much - '

'In games of this nature there are three classes of things to be considered: one, the rules of the game in all their detail; two the correct skills, actions and philosophies required for success, and three, an understanding of the real nature of the game. May I continue?'

'Huh,' said Ponder, in that slight daze that overcame everyone hearing a Nutt lecture for the first time.

'Got a fine jaw on him, ain't he?' said Trev. 'He can say the long words where the likes of you an' me would 'ave to stop for a rest 'alfway through! Me, anyway,' he trailed off.

'Er, do continue, Mister Nutt.'

'Thank you, sir. As I understand it, the purpose of this game is to score at least one more goal than your opponents. But our two teams just ran around, with everyone trying to kick the ball at once. Oh, goals were scored, but only opportunistically. As in chess, you must secure the king, your goal. Yes, you are going to say that you have the custodian of the goal, but he is only one man, figuratively speaking. Every ball he saves shames the team members who let the opponents get so close. Yet at the same time, they must maximize their chances of getting the ball into the opposing goal. This is a problem I will have to address. I have mentioned chess, but this game, and particularly the ease with which the ball takes flight, means that the activity can go from one end of the play to the other in seconds, just as one dwarf piece can upset the whole board in a game of Thud.'

He smiled up at their expressions and added, 'You know, this game is surely one of the simplest. Any little boy knows how to play it... and yet playing it optimally requires superhuman talents.' He thought for a moment and added, 'Or possibly subhuman. Certainly the willing sublimation of the ego, which takes us into the realms of the metaphysical. So simple and yet so complex. You know, this is wonderful. I am quite thrilled!'

The ring of silence around him was not ominous, but the air choked with bafflement. Finally, the wizard Rincewind said, 'Er, Mister Nutt, I thought you told us we just had to get the ball between the pointy hats?'

'Professor Rincewind, you run very well, but you don't do anything with it. Professor Macarona, you attempt to score as soon as you get the ball irrespective of anything else that is happening. Dr Hix, you cheat and foul constantly - '

'Excuse me, skull ring,' Hix intervened. 'I am required to attempt to break the rules, under college statutes.'

'Within acceptable limits,' Ponder added quickly.

'Bledlow Nobbs (no relation), you have a furiously powerful kick,' Nutt continued, 'but you don't seem to care where the ball goes so long as it gets there. All of you have strengths and weaknesses and it might be possible to make use of both of them. That is, if you want to win. But for now, a good exercise would be to get a lot more of these balls and learn how to control them. Running while kicking the ball ahead of you simply means that you will lose it to an opponent. You must learn to keep it at your feet. You were all looking down to check that you had the ball. Gentlemen, if you need to check that you still have the ball, you either do not have it or you will lose it in the next fraction of a second. Now, if you will excuse me, Mister Trev and I will get into trouble if we don't get the chandelier back up soon.'

The spell broke.

'What?' said Ponder. 'I mean, what? Stay there, Mister Nutt!'

Nutt immediately hunched and stared at his feet in their clumsy shoes. 'I am sorry if I have transgressed in any way. I was only seeking worth.'

'Worth?' said Ponder, looking at Trev for some kind of map of this new territory.

'That's how he talks, that's all,' said Trev. 'He 'asn't done anythin' wrong, so why shout at him like that? They were some bloody good ideas! You shouldn't pick on 'im just 'cos he's small and talks posh.'

Nutt seemed noticeably taller a little while ago, Ponder thought. Is he really just hunched up? 'I wasn't exactly shouting at him,' he said. 'I just wondered what he's doing dribbling candles! I mean, I know that's what he's doing, but why?'

'Ah, you have to have dribbled candles, sir,' said Bledlow Nobbs (no relation), 'and to my mind, the dribbling has been particularly fine just lately. Often, when I'm walking the corridors of a night, I think to myself - '

'Good heavens, man, he's erudite! He radiates learning! He's a polymath!' said Ponder.

'Are you saying he's too smart to be a candle dribbler?' said the bledlow, a militant look in his eye. 'You wouldn't want a stupid dribbler, would you? You'd get, like, manky dribbles all over the place.'

'I simply meant that - '