Unseen Academicals (Discworld 37)

'As a matter of fact, I can think very fast indeed,' said Ridcully. 'It will simply be no contest. It will be totally unfair.'

'It certainly will,' said Henry.

'Ah, you both feel that it will be totally unfair,' said Vetinari.

'Indeed. We have a much younger faculty and the brisk and healthy playing fields of Pseudopolis.'

'Capital,' said Lord Vetinari. 'It seems to me that we have a challenge. University against university. City, as it were, against city. Warfare, as it were, without the tedious necessity of picking up all those heads and limbs afterwards. All things must strive, gentlemen.'

'I suppose I have to agree,' said Ridcully. 'It's not as if I'm going to lose the Hat in any case. I must note, though, Havelock, that you do not allow many challenges to your position.'

'Oh, but I am challenged very frequently,' said Lord Vetinari. 'It's just that they don't win. Incidentally, gentlemen, I did notice in today's paper that the new voters of Pseudopolis yesterday voted not to have to pay taxes. When you see the president again, please don't hesitate to tell him that I will be more than happy to advise him when he feels it is necessary. Cheer up, gentlemen. Neither of you has got exactly what you want, but both of you have got exactly what you deserve. If the leopard can change his shorts, a wizard can change his hat. And the leopard must change his shorts, gentlemen, or we are all doomed.'

'Are you referring to the Loko business?' said Henry. 'You needn't look surprised.'

'I don't intend to. I am surprised,' said Vetinari, 'but please credit me with not looking surprised unless, of course, there is some advantage in doing so.'

'We are going to have to do something. The expedition found a nest of the damn things!'

'Yes. Children, which they killed,' said Vetinari.

'Pups that they exterminated!'

'Indeed? And what do you suggest?'

'We are talking about a very evil force here!'

'Archchancellor, I see evil when I look in my shaving mirror. It is, philosophically, present everywhere in the universe in order, apparently, to highlight the existence of good. I think there is more to this theory, but I tend to burst out laughing at this point. I take it that you are behind the idea of an expeditionary force to Far Uberwald?'

'Of course!' said the former Dean.

'It has been tried once before. It was tried twice before that. Why is there a certain cast of the military mind which leads sensible people to do again, with gusto, what didn't work before?'

'Force is all they understand. You must know that.'

'Force is all that's been tried, Archchancellor Henry. Besides, if they are animals, as some people claim, then they understand nothing, but if, as I am convinced, they are sapient creatures, then some understanding is surely required by us.'

The Patrician took a sip of his beer. 'I have told this to few people, gentlemen, and I suspect never will again, but one day when I was a young boy on holiday in Uberwald I was walking along the bank of a stream when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. A very endearing sight, I'm sure you will agree, and even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued and dragged on to a half-submerged log. As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and I remember to this day the sweet pinkness of its roes as they spilled out, much to the delight of the baby otters who scrambled over themselves to feed on the delicacy. One of nature's wonders, gentlemen: mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that's when I first learned about evil. It is built in to the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, I told myself, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior.'

The two wizards exchanged a glance. Vetinari was staring into the depths of his beer mug and they were glad that they did not know what he saw in there.

'Is it me or is it rather dark in here?' said Henry.

'Good heavens, yes! I forgot about the chandelier!' exclaimed Ridcully. 'Where is Mister Nutt?'

'Here,' said Nutt, rather closer than Ridcully would have preferred.

'Why?'

'I said I would be ready when you needed me, sir.'

'What? Oh, yes, of course you did.' He's short and polite and amazingly helpful, he told himself. Nothing to worry about at all... 'Well, show us how to light the candles, Mister Nutt.'

'Could I possibly have a fanfare, sir?'

'I doubt it, young man, but I will bring the Hall to attention.'

Ridcully picked up a spoon and tapped the side of a wine glass, in the time-honoured 'Look, everybody, I'm trying to make a loud noise very quietly!' procedure, which has successfully eluded after-dinner speakers ever since the invention of glasses, spoons and dinners.