Unseen Academicals (Discworld 37)

'I've taught you a lot of things, haven't I, Juliet?' said Glenda.

'Yes, Glenda,' said Juliet.

'And they've always been useful, haven't they?'

'Yes, Glenda. I remember it was you that said I should always keep my hand on my ha'penny and I'm very glad that you did.'

There was a strange noise from Pepe, and Glenda, feeling her face go red, didn't dare look at him.

'Then I've got a bit more advice for you, Juliet.'

'Yes, Glenda.'

'First, never, ever apologize for anything that doesn't need apologizing for,' said Glenda. 'And especially never apologize for just being yourself.'

'Yes, Glenda.'

'Got that?'

'Yes, Glenda.'

'No matter what happens, always remember that you now know how to make a good pie.'

'Yes, Glenda.'

'Pepe is here because Bu-bubble wants to write something about you,' said Glenda. 'Your picture was in the paper again this morning and - ' Glenda stopped. 'She is going to be all right, isn't she?' she said.

Pepe paused in the act of surreptitiously removing a bottle from a cupboard. 'You can trust me and Madame on that,' he said. 'Only people who are very trustworthy would dare to look as untrustworthy as me and Madame.'

'And all she will have to do is show off clothes - Don't drink that, that's cider vinegar!'

'I'm only drinking the cider bit,' said Pepe. 'Yes, all she'll have to do is show off clothes, but to judge from the mob back at the shop there's going to be people who want her to show off shoes, hats, hairstyles... '

'No hanky panky,' said Glenda.

'I don't think you'll find, anywhere in the world, a greater expert in both hanky and panky than Madame. In fact, I would be surprised if you, Glenda, knew one hundredth of the hanky and panky that she does, especially as she invented quite a lot of it herself. And since we'll notice it when we see it, we'll keep an eye on her.'

'And she's got to eat proper meals and get a good night's sleep,' said Glenda.

Pepe nodded, although she expected that both those concepts were quite alien to him.

'And paid,' she added.

'We'll cut her in on the profits if she works exclusively for us,' said Pepe. 'Madame wants to talk to you about that.'

'Yes, someone might want to pay her more than you do,' said Glenda.

'My, my, my. How fast we learn. I'm sure Madame will have great fun talking to you.'

Juliet looked from one to the other, sleep still wreathing her face. 'You want me to go back to the shop?'

'I don't want you to do anything,' said Glenda. 'It's up to you, okay? It's just up to you, but it seems to me that if you stay here then basically what you'll be doing is pies.'

'Well, not just pies,' said Juliet.

'Well, no, fair enough, there are also flans, bubble and squeak and assorted late-night dainties,' said Glenda. 'But you know what I mean. On the other hand, you could go and show off all these fancy clothes and go to lots of fancy places a long, long way from here and see a lot of new people and you'd know that if it all goes pear-shaped you could always make it pie-shaped.'

'Hah, nice one,' said Pepe, who'd found another bottle.