Unseen Academicals (Discworld 37)

'I was misinformed,' said Nutt. 'I know I am an orc. I think I have always known that I am an orc. I have opened the door and read the book and I know the truth of my soul and I am an orc, and for some reason I am an orc with a terrible urge to smoke a cigar.'

'But they were like these big horrible monsters that wouldn't stop fighting and were quite happy to tear off their own arm to use as a weapon,' said Bledlow Nobbs (no relation). 'There was an article about them in Bows & Ammo.'

Every eye turned to Nutt's arms. 'Certainly that is the judgement of history,' said Nutt. He looked up at Glenda. 'I am so sorry,' he said. 'I disobeyed, everybody does it, you see. Schnouzentintle says as much in his book The Obedience of Disobedience. So I wondered what was in the cupboard. And I already had some expertise with lockpicks. I opened the cupboard, I read the book and... 'His chains clinked as he shifted position. 'I disobeyed. I think everybody does it. We are very good at hiding from ourselves what we do not want to know. Believe me; I was very good at keeping that from myself. But it leaks out, you see, in dreams and things when you have dropped your guard. I am an orc. There is no doubt about that.'

'Okay, right, if you are an orc, right, then why are you not tearing my head off?' said Bledlow Nobbs (no relation).

'Would you like me to?' said Nutt.

'Well, as it happens, no!'

'Who cares?' said Trev. 'It's all ancient history anyway. These days you see vampires hangin' around all over the place. An' we've got trolls and golems and zombies and all kinds of people just graftin' away. Who cares what 'appened 'undreds of years ago?'

'Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute,' said the butler. 'He's not tearing your head off 'cos he's chained down.'

'So, why did you get us to chain you down?' said Glenda.

'So I wouldn't tear off anybody's head. I suspected the truth, although I didn't know what it was that I suspected. At least, I think it works like that.'

'So that means you can't escape and tear us all limb from limb,' said Bledlow Nobbs (no relation). 'No offence meant, but does this mean you won't be training us?'

'I am sorry,' said Nutt, 'but as you can see, I'm rather inconvenienced.'

'Have you all gone loony?' Astonishingly, this came from Juliet, standing in the corridor. 'He's Nutt. He potters around making candles and stuff. I see 'im around all the time and 'e's never 'olding someone else's leg or head. And 'e likes his football, too!'

Glenda thought she could actually hear Trev's heartbeat. She hurried over to the girl. 'I told you to go,' she hissed.

'I've come back to tell Trev about everythin'. After all, he did write such a lovely poem.' ;Keep quiet about it. Don't go home. Buy yourself lots of new stuff. Get yourself sorted out and then go back and see your dad and everybody when you have. The point is, even if you don't go right away, in your mind you should always be going. But the important thing is to go right now. Move out. Get on. Climb up. All the things I should have done.'

'What about Trev?' said Juliet.

Glenda had to think about that. 'How are things with you and Trev, then? I saw you two talking last night.'

'Talking is allowed,' said Juliet defensively. 'Anyhow, he was only telling me how he was going to get himself a better job.'

'Doing what?' said Glenda. 'I've never seen him doing a straight day's work in all the years I've known him.'

'He says he's going to find something,' said Juliet. 'He said Nutt told 'im to. He said Nutt said that when Trev finds out who Trev is, like, he will, like, know what he can do. So I told 'im he was Trevor Likely, and he said that was, you know, helpful.'

I'm stuck, aren't I? Glenda told herself. I'm talking about changing and getting out, so I have to allow that maybe he's going to, too. Aloud, she said, 'It's up to you. It's all up to you, but just mind that he keeps his hands to himself.'

'He always keeps his hands to himself,' said Juliet. 'It's a bit worryin'. I've never had to think about kneeing him in the tonker, not once.'

There was a strangled laugh from Pepe, who had just discovered the wow-wow sauce. The bottle was almost empty and, in theory, he should have no stomach left.

'Never, ever?' said Glenda, mystified at this unnatural history.

'No, he's always very polite and just a bit sad.'

That must mean he's planning something, Glenda's inner self provided. She said, 'Well, it's up to you. I can't help here, but remember, you've always got your knee.'

'And what about... ?' Juliet began.

'Look,' said Glenda firmly, 'either you go off now and see the world and earn lots of money and get your picture in the papers and all of the other things I know you would really like to do, or you have to sort it out for yourself.'

'We're going to be here for some time,' said Pepe. 'You know, this sauce would be nice with a little bit of vodka in it. It really would give it a little bit of zest. A little bit of sparkle. Come to think of it, a lot of vodka would be even better.'

'But I love 'im!' Juliet wailed.