Unseen Academicals (Discworld 37)

Glenda told her.

'Ah, you must be the cook at Unseen University,' said the woman. 'Which means that you have access to rather more than the average cook and, therefore, I would deduce that to keep the pickled onions crisp in the pie you put them in a cold room at very nearly freezing point for some time immediately before baking, possibly wrapping them in cheese for the sake of temporary insulation, and, if you have assembled your pie correctly and paid attention to temperatures, I think that would do the trick.' She paused. 'Hello?'

'Are you a cook?' said Glenda.

'Good grief, no!'

'So you worked it out, just like that? Mister Nutt told me her ladyship employs very clever people.'

'Well, I'm embarrassed to say it, but that is true.'

'But she shouldn't have told Mister Nutt that he's worthless. She shouldn't say that to people.'

'But he was worthless, yes? He couldn't even talk properly when he was found. Surely what she has done has helped him?'

'But he frets all the time and it's got out now that he's an orc. What's that all about?'

'And is he, in your mind, doing anything particularly orcish?'

Reluctantly, Glenda said, 'Sometimes his fingernails turn into claws.'

The woman looked suddenly concerned. 'And what does he do then?'

'Well, nothing,' said Glenda. 'They just sort of... go back in again. But he makes wonderful candles,' she added quickly. 'He's always making things. It's as if... worth is something that drains away all the time so you have to keep topping it up.'

'Possibly, now you put it that way, she has been a little too brisk with him.'

'Does she love him?' asked Glenda.

'I beg your pardon?'

'I mean, has anyone ever loved him?'

'Oh, I think she does, in her way,' said the woman. 'Although she's a vampire, you know. They tend to see the world rather differently.'

'Well, if I met her I'd give her a piece of my mind,' said Glenda. 'Muddling him about. Setting those wretched flying ladies on him. I wouldn't let her do that sort of thing.'

'She's immensely strong, I'm led to believe,' said the woman.

'That doesn't give her the right,' said Glenda. 'And shall I tell you something? Mister Nutt is right here. Oh yes, out in the yard, shoeing one of the horses for the Lancre Flyer. He really is amazing.'

'It sounds like it,' said the woman with a faint little smile. 'You certainly seem to be a vehement supporter.'

Glenda hesitated. 'Is that something to do with foxes?' she said.

'It means with great passion,' said the woman. 'Do you have a great passion for Mister Nutt, Miss Sugarbean? And remember, please, I do like people to do me the honour of thinking before they speak.'

'Well, I like him a lot,' said Glenda hotly.

'That is charming,' said the woman. 'It does occur to me that Mister Nutt might have achieved more worth than I had previously thought.'

'So you tell her ladyship what I said,' said Glenda, feeling her neck on fire with blushes. 'Mister Nutt has got friends.'

'Indeed I will,' said the woman, standing up. 'And now if you'll excuse me, I'm sure our coach is about to depart. I must fly.'

'Remember to tell her what I said!' Glenda shouted after her.

She saw the woman turn to smile at her and then she was lost as a party arriving from a new coach hurried in from the cold night air.