Unseen Academicals (Discworld 37)

There had been some nobler calls to arms in history, Ridcully would be the first to admit, but this one was well tailored to its target audience. There was some grumbling, but that was the same as saying that the sky was blue.

'What about lunch?' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes suspiciously.

'We'll eat early,' said Ridcully, 'and I am told that the pies at the game are just¨Camazing.'

Truth, in front of her huge walk-in wardrobe, selected black leather boots with stiletto heels for such a barefaced truth.

Nutt was already waiting with a proud but worried look on his face when Glenda got in to the Night Kitchen. She didn't notice him at first, but she turned back from hanging her coat on its peg and there he was, holding a couple of dishes in front of him like shields.

She almost had to shade her eyes because they gleamed so brightly.

'I hope this is all right,' said Nutt nervously.

'What have you done?'

'I plated them with silver, miss.'

'How did you do that?'

'Oh, there's all kinds of old stuff in the cellars and, well, I know how to do things. It won't cause trouble for anyone, will it?' Nutt added, looking suddenly anxious.

Glenda wondered if it would. It shouldn't, but you could never be sure with Mrs Whitlow. Well, she could solve that problem by hiding them somewhere until they tarnished.

'It's kind of you to take the trouble. I generally have to chase people to get plates back. You are a real gentleman,' she said, and his face lit up like a sunrise.

'You are very kind,' he beamed, 'and a very handsome lady with your two enormous chests that indicate bountifulness and fecundity - '

The morning air froze in one enormous block. He could tell he'd said something wrong, but he had no idea what it was.

Glenda looked around to see if anyone had heard, but the huge gloomy room was otherwise empty. She was always the first one in and the last one out. Then she said, 'Stay right there. Don't you dare move an inch! Not an inch! And don't steal any chickens!' she commanded as an afterthought.

She should have trailed steam as she headed out of the room, her boots echoing on the flagstones. What a thing to come out with! Who did he think he was? Come to that, who did she think he was? And what did she think he was?

The cellars and undercrofts of the university were a small city in themselves, and bakers and butchers turned to look as she clattered past. She didn't dare stop now; it would be too embarrassing.

If you knew all the passages and stairs, and if they stayed still for five minutes, it was possible to get to just about anywhere in the university without going above ground. Probably none of the wizards knew the maze. Not many of them cared to know the dull details of domestic management. Hah, they thought the dinners turned up by magic!

A small set of stone steps led up to the little door. Hardly anyone used it these days. The other girls wouldn't go in there. But Glenda would. Even after the very first time that she had, in response to the bell, delivered the midnight banana, or rather had failed to deliver it on account of running away screaming, she knew she'd have to face it again. After all, we can't help how we're made, her mother had said, and nor can we help what a magical accident might turn us into through no fault of our own, as Mrs Whitlow had explained slightly more recently, when the screaming had stopped. And so Glenda had picked up the banana and had headed right back there.

Now, of course, she was surprised that anyone might find it odd that the custodian of all the knowledge that could be was a reddish brown and generally hung several feet above his desk, and she was pretty certain that she knew at least fourteen meanings of the word 'ook'.

As it was daytime, the huge building beyond the little door was bustling, insofar as the word can be applied to a library. She headed towards the nearest lesser librarian, who failed to look the other way in time, and demanded: 'I need to see a dictionary of embarrassing words beginning with F!'

His haughty glance softened somewhat when he realized she was a cook. Wizards always had a place in their hearts for cooks, because it was near their stomach.

'Ah, then I think Birdcatcher's Discomforting Misusage will be our friend here,' he said cheerfully, and led her to a lectern, where she spent several enlightening minutes before heading back the way she had come, a little wiser and a great deal more embarrassed.

Nutt was still standing where she'd told him to stand, and looked terrified.

'I'm sorry, I didn't know what you meant,' she said, and thought: abundant, productive and fruitful. Well, yes, I can see how he got there, worse luck, but that's not me, not really me. I think. I hope.

'Um, it was kind of you to say that about me,' she said, 'but you should have used more appropriate language.'

'Ah, yes, I'm so sorry,' said Nutt. 'Mister Trev told me about this. I should not talk posh. I should have said that you have enormous t - '

'Just stop there, will you? Trevor Likely is teaching you elocution?'

'Don't tell me, I know this one... You mean talkin' proper?' said Nutt. 'Yes, and he's promised to take me to the football,' he added proudly.