Snuff (Discworld 39)

He leaned toward his wife. “What do I do now?” he whispered, because the ranks of worried half-smiles were unnerving him.

“Whatever you like, dear,” she said. “You’re the boss. You take Watch parade, don’t you?”

“Yes, but I know who everyone is and their rank and, well, everything! It’s never been like this in the city!”

“Yes, dear, that’s because in Ankh-Morpork everybody knows Commander Vimes.”

Well, how hard could it be? Vimes walked up to a man with a battered straw hat, a spade and, as Vimes neared, a state of subdued terror even worse than that of Sam Vimes himself. Vimes held out his hand. The man looked at it as if he had never seen a hand before. Vimes managed to say, “Hello, I’m Sam Vimes. Who are you?”

The man thus addressed looked around for help, support and guidance or escape, but there was none; the crowd was deathly silent. He said, “William Butler, your grace, if it’s all the same to you.”

“Pleased to meet you, William,” said Vimes, and held out his hand again, which William almost leaned away from before offering Vimes a palm the texture of an ancient leather glove.

Well, thought Vimes, this isn’t too bad, and he ventured into unknown territory with, “And what’s your job around here, William?”

“Gardener,” William managed, and held up his spade between himself and Vimes, both as a protection and as exhibit “A,” proof positive of his bona fides. Since Vimes himself was equally at sea, he settled for testing the blade with his finger and mumbling, “Properly maintained, I see. Well done, Mr. Butler.”

He jumped when there was a tap on his shoulder and his wife said, “Well done, yourself, dear, but all you really needed to do is go up the steps and congratulate the butler and the housekeeper on the wonderful turnout of the staff. We’ll be here all day if you want to chat to everybody.” And with that, Lady Sybil took her husband firmly by the hand and led him up the steps between the rows of owlish stares.

“All right,” he whispered, “I can see the footmen and the cooks and gardeners, but who are those blokes in the thick jackets and the bowler hats? Have we got the bailiffs in?”

“That is reasonably unlikely, dear. In fact, they are some of the gamekeepers.”

“The hats look wrong on them.”

“Do you think so? As a matter of fact they were designed by Lord Bowler to protect his gamekeepers from vicious attacks by poachers. Deceptively strong, I’m told, and much better than steel helmets because you don’t get the nasty ringing in your ears.”

Clearly unable to hide their displeasure that their new master had chosen to shake the hand of a gardener before addressing either of them, the butler and housekeeper, who shared the traditional girth and pinkness that Vimes had learned to expect on these occasions, were aware that their master had not come to them and, he noticed, were coming to him as fast as their little legs would carry them.

Vimes knew about life below stairs, hell, yes, he did! Not so long ago a policeman summoned to a big house would be sent around to the back door to be instructed to drag away some weeping chambermaid or not-very-bright boot boy accused without evidence of stealing some ring or silver-handled brush that the lady of the house would probably find later, perhaps when she had finished the gin. That wasn’t supposed to be what coppers were for, although in reality, of course it was what coppers were for. It was about privilege, and young Vimes had hardly worn in his first pair of policeman’s boots when his sergeant had explained what that meant. It meant private law. In those days an influential man could get away with quite a lot if he had the right accent, the right crest on his tie or the right chums, and a young policeman who objected might get away without a job and without a reference.

It wasn’t like that now, not even close.

But in those days young Vimes had seen butlers as double-traitors to both sides and so the large man in the black tailcoat got a glare that skewered him. The fact that he gave Vimes a little nod did not help matters. Vimes lived in a world where people saluted.

“I am Silver, the butler, your grace,” the man carefully intoned reprovingly.

Vimes immediately grabbed him by the hand and shook it warmly. “Pleased to meet you, Mr. Silver!”

The butler winced. “It’s Silver, sir, not Mister.”

“Sorry about that, Mr. Silver. So what’s your first name?”

The butler’s face was an entertainment. “Silver, sir! Always Silver!”

“Well, Mr. Silver,” said Vimes, “it’s an item of faith with me that once you get past the trousers all men are the same.”

The butler’s face was wooden as he said, “That is as maybe, sir, but I am and always will be, commander, Silver. Good evening, your grace, ” the butler turned, “and good evening, Lady Sybil. It must be seven or eight years since anyone from the family came to stay. May we look forward to further visits? And might I please introduce to you my wife, Mrs. Silver, the housekeeper, whom I think you have not met before?”

Vimes could not stop his mind translating the little speech as: I am annoyed that you ignored me to shake hands with the gardener…which, to be fair, was not deliberate. Vimes had shaken the gardener’s hand out of sheer, overpowering terror. The translation continued: and now I am worried that we might not be having such an easy life in the near future.

“Hold on a minute,” said Vimes, “my wife is a Grace as well, you know, that’s a bit more than a lady. Syb— Her Grace made me look at the score chart.”

Lady Sybil knew her husband in the way people living next door to a volcano get to know the moods of their neighbor. The important thing is to avoid the bang.

“Sam, I have been Lady Sybil to all the servants in both our houses ever since I was a girl, and so I regard Lady Sybil as my name, at least among people I have come to look on as friends. You know that!” And, she added to herself, we all have our little quirks, Sam, even you.

And with that scented admonition floating in the air, Lady Sybil shook the housekeeper’s hand, and then turned to her son. “Now it’s bed for you, Young Sam, straight after supper. And no arguing.”