Raising Steam (Discworld 40)

There was silence. Apart from some dwarfs saying to each other, ‘What does that mean?’ and other more travelled dwarfs, who had dealt with humans, coming to the rescue with, ‘It’s rather like saying “Put it where the sun does not shine”,’ causing those dwarfs who did not know the ways of humanity to say, ‘Isn’t that the little valley over near Slice, rather nice?’ until one of them said, ‘As I understand it, it means shove it up your arse.’

‘Oh, really?’

‘May I suggest a show of hands?’ said Ardent. ‘All those not for me and a proper resolution to dwarf affairs as they have been since time immemorial should raise their hand and make themselves known.’

Albrechtson promptly sat on the Scone of Stone.

‘Well,’ said Ardent. ‘Stay there long enough, my friend, and you will have piles.’

And there was laughter, but worried laughter. And unusually, for dwarfs, people were thinking first. Yes, the goblins were rising and so were the humans and the trolls, and on the playing board of the world the dwarfs surely had to keep some allegiances. So what if a king changes? When the King came back he would find a fait accompli and the world would be busy with its own occupations. Politics notoriously change all the time … The unseen, unheard point was that everybody knew

that if a dwarf-against-dwarf fight happened now it would go the distance, and where would they all be then?

In the highest room in her castle over the deepest canyon in Uberwald Lady Margolotta was awakened by the duty Igor and was not happy about it.

She opened the lid of her casket and said, ‘Vhat’s this all about? It’s not even dusk yet.’

‘Theriouth thingth happening, my lady. I heard there’th a coup in Schmaltzberg and Ardent ith in the athendant.’

Igor looked carefully at his mistress, who appeared to be suddenly lost in thought. He stepped back a little in case of an explosion. To his surprise, Lady Margolotta merely said, ‘That little veasel? Sometimes the black ribbon is sorely tested. How far has the news got around?’

‘Hardly at all, my lady. The clackth ith down, on the orderth of Ardent.’

A sudden syrup in his mistress’s tone worried Igor. If silk could speak it would sound like that.

‘On his orders? Really? Ve’ll see about that. Oh, yes, ve vill.’

Lady Margolotta walked over to the balcony and dropped into the canyon, gathering speed until she glided towards the first clacks tower outside Uberwald and landed softly on the little deck, so close to the superintendent that he nearly lost a year’s growth. But he knew the ropes. Lady Margolotta was a black ribboner and generally quite a useful neighbour.

‘Oh, it’s you, Arthur,’ she said. ‘How’s your vife? Sorry to upset you.’

Rather nervously, the superintendent said, ‘Dolores is fine, m’lady, thank you for asking.’

‘And the children?’

‘Doing very well, thank you, m’lady, and thank you so much for helping with the tuition fees.’

‘Not at all. Is your clacks still vorking?’

‘Oh yes, m’lady, but something seems to have happened up the line. We’ve got one hell of a backlog and we don’t know what’s going on. Looks like the grag militants have been up to their old tricks again.’

‘Yes, I know, Arthur. Could you please send a clacks to Lord Vetinari and a copy to Diamond King of Trolls? Also to the major clacks office in Quirm for delivery to Rhys Rhysson. My usual codes, of course, and priority vun.’

She waited while the man set things in motion, tapping her foot on the floor, and was relieved when Arthur had finished.

‘Thank you, Arthur. Vould you be so good as to have any messages brought over to me as soon as possible by vun of your goblin couriers, please? And oh, it’s your son’s birthday, isn’t it?’

‘Yes, tomorrow!’

A heavy gold coin dropped into the man’s hand.

‘Tell him not to spend it all at vonce,’ said a voice in the distance and suddenly Lady Margolotta was no longer there. The man looked nervously at the shiny coin in his hand. But there, that was the gentry for you. It paid to be in with the gentry. She had been so helpful when his daughter was taken bad, as well. Yes, of course, she was a vampire. But she wasn’t a bad person. And he was oh so very glad he could be of use to her.

It had been a long wait to get home, but a wait worth waiting for, and after a pleasant evening with Adora Belle, what could be better than being woken up at 3 a.m. by members of the palace guard? And of course, the answer was absolutely everything, thought Moist.

Crossly was so furious that they were backing away from him across the threshold and Moist heard him say, ‘This is insufferable! What about habeas corpus?’

And the most senior of the guards said, ‘What about habeas corpus?’