Butterface

His ego grew two sizes before the second part of her declaration registered. “You talk about me? All of you together like that?” Comparing notes? Chicks did that? Fuck, did other guys know this little factoid? Because that shit was dangerous.

“It’s Waterbury. This neighborhood is like a small town when it comes to gossip,” Shannon said. “But here’s the deal. You’re respectful. You don’t promise anything you’re not going to deliver. You’re fun. You’re honestly a good guy, but, honey, you’re not the kind of guy who delivers happily ever afters.” She gave him a look that walked the line between sympathy and pity. “And once you get to a certain point in your life, all of the fuck-buddy fun loses its luster and you want more, you want a forever kind of thing. You understand what I’m saying?”

Love. That’s what she meant. That once-in-a-lifetime, you’re-a-lucky-son-of-a-bitch-if-you-find-it thing that his parents had, that Felicia had with Hudson, that Ford had with Gina. And for him it was as likely to happen as him finding a unicorn, because he knew Shannon was right. He’d always known it. He wasn’t a delivery driver for Happily Ever Afters R Us, which meant he was as likely to find it as he was to find…

“A fucking unicorn,” he muttered.

Shannon’s eyebrows went up in question. “What?”

“Nothing,” he said with a sigh, because how did you explain a unicorn to a woman who’d just told him he wasn’t ever getting one?

Shannon shook her head at him and strutted down to the other end of the bar to take some fresh-out-of-the-academy kid’s order. Annoyed with the fact that the zinger she’d delivered had hit a little too close to home, Frankie turned around and perused the crowd at Marino’s. Going east to west, it pretty much went cop and a badge bunny, several cops and one hot badge bunny, a group of sad-sack cops with no badge bunnies, a shitbird in a suit who looked totally out of place, and one Lucy Kavanagh, who looked like she was about to punch the guy’s lights out. Now this could get interesting. Frankie got up off the barstool and strolled on over to provide the zaftig firecracker best friend of Ford’s girlfriend some help should she need it.

…

If one more person told Lucy that she’d be so pretty if she just lost some weight, she was going to set them on fire.

All she wanted to do was sit in Marino’s in peace and enjoy the jalapeño cheeseburger with a side of spicy fries and a Coke—yeah, that’s right, full-calorie Coke, suck it Judgey McJudgeyPants—as her own special treat after the week from hell.

Instead, the concern troll in the shitty suit had invited himself over to let her know that if she’d only ordered a salad that she might actually walk out of the bar with someone instead of with a few additional pounds.

“And what business is it of yours what I eat?” She punctuated the question by slathering a fry in Sriracha and popping it in her mouth.

“No need to get defensive there, I’m just trying to help,” said the guy—who hadn’t even bothered to introduce himself or—wait for it—say hi before launching into his unasked-for monologue about her eating habits. “I mean come on, no woman comes into a bar alone unless she plans on walking out with someone.”

Now that was just some sexist bullshit right there. Who in the hell ever said that to a guy? Answer: no one.

The truth was she was there to meet up with her friend Gina later—her boyfriend already hit the dartboard in the corner—but she’d texted she was running late and eat without her.

“Really?” She pushed her steak knife farther away from her plate so she wouldn’t be tempted to stab him with it. “You don’t think I might just want a Coke and a burger?”

The guy went on as if she hadn’t said a thing. “I’m serious. You have a great face, if you just upped the veggies and eliminated the carbs, high-fat protein, and sugar, you’d be a solid seven instead of a three.”

She eyeballed the guy who wouldn’t stop flapping his gums about things that had nothing to do with him. He was balding and wore a bad suit that only emphasized his beer belly—and he wanted to give her tips about how to look good? Of course he did.