What Goes Around...

‘Sure,’ I say and we walk off with Gloria and Daisy.

I can feel the sun on my shoulders and I am leaving him behind.

I wonder if he can see us.

I wonder if he’s proud that both of us are holding Charlotte’s hands.

And, if he is proud, then I want to make him even prouder.

‘I was wondering,’ I say it ever so casually. ‘If you wanted to come and have a coffee sometime, at the cottage…’

There’s a bit of a pause.

‘I’d like that,’ Gloria says. ‘Let me know when it’s the school holidays and I’ll bring Daisy for a play.’

‘I meant,’ I don’t know if I should say it. ‘I meant, just us.’

I shouldn’t have spoiled things; I shouldn’t have said anything, because she doesn’t answer me. In fairness that’s because Daisy has gone crazy, she’s bouncing around in Gloria’s arms and for the first time I hear Gloria a little bit stern.

‘Daisy!’ She warns and then looks at me. ‘I think I must have put sugar on her cornflakes this morning, she’s crazy today.’ She carries on walking and then she says it. ‘I’d like that.’

I keep on walking too. ‘So would I.’

We hit the car park in silence and it’s Gloria who ends it. ‘Actually,’ Gloria says, ‘I hope you don’t think I’m being insensitive, I don’t know if you’ve got plans…’ I frown and look over to her. ‘It’s Daisy’s birthday so we’re having a little ice cream cake tonight. I wondered if I could bring along Charlotte.’

I don’t have a sudden compulsion to dive in a freezer at Tesco’s and come up with a Cornetto in my mouth, I’m just thrilled for the smile on Charlotte’s face and then I remember… I mean, how could I forget – It’s Daisy’s birthday!

‘I forgot!’ I’m so, so embarrassed. ‘God, Gloria, I’m sorry. I just completely forgot that it’s her birthday,’

But of course it is!

I’ll never forget that day and yet, I forgot her birthday.

‘I’ll go to the shops at the weekend.’

Gloria waves away my apologies. ‘It’s a strange old day,’ she tells me. ‘Eleanor’s really struggling, she wants to keep the two days apart, she’s coming to the cemetery at the weekend, she just wants to keep today for Daisy.’

I get that.

‘Have some time with him,’ Gloria nods in the direction of his grave. ‘I’ll get these girls back to mine and we’ll have a little party.’

‘Thanks.’ I really appreciate it - it will be nice to have some time on my own, but first I kiss Charlotte goodbye and tell her I’ll pick her up about seven and then I hear a car behind me. I turn around and it’s Luke and I try not to blush as he comes out and walks over but I can feel Gloria’s eyes on me. I sort of know that she knows that I like him.

How could a woman not though?

How could I ever have thought him boring?

‘Hi Gloria,’ he kisses her on the cheek and then he turns to me and I don’t get a kiss, I get a nod and a jiggle of keys. ‘Lucy.’

I give him a nod back. ‘Luke.’

‘Well,’ he says and he makes us both smile. ‘Is it just me, or is this awkward?’

‘Just you, Luke.’ Gloria grins.

He says goodbye and walks off towards his grave and I give Charlotte another kiss.

‘Say goodbye to Luke from me,’ Gloria says.

‘Luke?’

‘I thought you were going back to the grave?’

‘Oh, yes…’ I nod. ‘I’ll just wait till he’s done.’

No I won’t, I’m thinking. The second she’s gone I’m legging it to my car.

She turns to go and then I see her look over to his grave and so do I. I see Luke’s shoulders heaving because he loved him too and then Gloria speaks. ‘I’m happy to have Charlotte stay the night.’

‘It’s a school night,’ I say.

‘I can wash out her uniform and take her to school tomorrow, it really is no problem.’

A night to myself is usually too good to pass up but I’m not sure I want to be alone on tonight, of all nights but Charlotte is all excited and so I nod.

‘Thanks, Gloria.’

I get her school bag from the car and I say goodnight now to Charlotte and I say thank you to Gloria and then I go to kiss Daisy because, well, it’s impossible to not.

I feel her hair beneath my fingers and I see her lovely smile. ‘She’s so gorgeous. Happy Birthday, Daisy.’ I say.

I look into her green eyes and she looks right into mine, I see the hazel fleck and her eyes smile at me and for a second I recoil.

I’m startled.

But then I look again and I am lost in her eyes. Daisy is the third person in the world whose eyes I can look into and there’s something there, something I recognise, someone else I see smiling back at me and telling me I will be okay.

That this I can do.

It isn’t just the day he died.

It’s the day she was born.

It isn’t just the day he left.

It’s the night that she arrived.

I feel the breeze and the sun and the smells of spring and somehow I know that Daisy was meant to be here this year to help us all through, to heal us.

That Daisy was simply meant to be….

Gloria and Charlotte get into the car and I offer to help and clip Daisy in.

‘You’re so precious,’ I say.

‘Oh she is….’ Gloria agrees from the driving seat and I look up from Daisy and out of the back window I see Luke walking back from the grave. I know Gloria’s probably watching from the rear-view mirror so I try not to look, I try to be slow, I want him in his car and gone before Gloria drives off.

I cannot be on my own with him.

I go back to Daisy’s eyes and they’re still smiling at me - they’re telling me that this I can do and there’s a shiver that runs down my arms as Gloria starts the engine and then speaks on - except, it doesn’t scare me this time.

I know, as I step out of the car to stand-alone and face Luke, that what Gloria just said is somehow true.

‘She’s an angel.’

CHAPTER SEVENTY

‘Not here.’

Just two words he says to me.

He’s black and white apart from the red of his eyeballs.

Luke gets in his car and I get in mine and I don’t know where he lives now. I am really crap at following at the best of times, so you can imagine what I’m like now! I’m terrified I’ll lose him, that we’ll have to stop so he can text me his address and that we’ll end up shagging at a roundabout.

I forget to indicate and break and things and I take a corner in fourth gear. A car blasts a siren, but I don’t care, I just want to get there as soon as I can.

People turn and look as my car skids past.

And all I can think is that it’s a good thing I’ve got my favourite silver underwear on.

I’m not so bold when I get to his flat.

There are a few things I recognise, I walk past his leather sofa and through to the kitchen and I’m shaking as I pour a glass of cool water and take a drink.

I think of Jess, I’m scared I’m wrong, but is that what her text message meant? That in a while she’ll be okay with this? I want to be sure that we’ll always be friends.

I’m at the sink drinking water and he comes up behind me, his mouth is on my bare neck and then he turns me around and his hands slide over my dress – and I shiver with want, but I need to be sure, I walk off but he grabs me, I can feel the metal of the fridge on my back.

I’m so scared that this is wrong

‘It’s okay,’ he says.

Just two words.

Two words that I so needed to hear.

‘It’s going to be okay, Lucy,’ I feel my terror leave.

He kisses me then till I know it’s right. Till I know that we have met in forbidden dreams, till I know that this too was meant to be.

He kisses me till my silver knickers are down on the floor and I honestly don’t have the mental capacity to work out who took them off, I just know that finally he’s inside of me.

Finally.

My legs are wrapped him as he moves deep inside, we’re locked in eye contact as he moves deep within but this time it’s just us, this time it’s real and there is no room for shame.

‘I love you, Lucy,’ he says and I tell him that I love him too.

I look the man I love right in the eye as I say it but then I have to close them.

I have to close them because I’m sobbing, but in the nicest of ways, as Luke makes all of my dreams come true.