Force of Feeling

‘Do you know what I think?’ he said softly. ‘I think you’re a coward, Campion. I think you’re afraid. Afraid of living, afraid of loving, afraid of… And so you’ve shut yourself away behind a wall of pride and resentment. So you made a mistake, an error of judgement… Don’t you think we all make those mistakes at one time or another? But the rest of us have the guts to pick ourselves up and go on with life. It isn’t desirability you lack,’ he added in disgust. ‘It’s guts.’

‘Really!’ The smile she gave him felt as though it was pasted on her face. ‘Haven’t you left something out?’

She watched as he frowned.

‘You haven’t told me yet that I’m frigid,’ she added bitterly. ‘That is what you were going to say next, isn’t it?’

Before he could say anything, she pulled out of his grasp and opened the back door.

This was the second time she had run from him like this. Her heart thudded painfully in her chest, although she knew without looking over her shoulder that he wasn’t following her.

Oh, God, what had she done? What had she said? Why hadn’t she kept quiet? Why had she allowed him to needle her into betraying so much?

How could she ever face him again? She started to shiver.

She couldn’t go back. He was an intelligent man. When he had time to think over what she had said, what was there to stop him from guessing how she really felt?

She stumbled on, sliding on the muddy path, turning instinctively towards the coast.

The cliffs on the headland were steep, and the home for a variety of sea birds. The wind coming off the sea was still quite strong. She had walked blindly while she was angry, but now her anger had gone and reaction was setting in. She couldn’t go back to the cottage. How could she face Guy?

She sat down on the wet grass and stared out to sea. Why had he said that he desired her? Probably out of some misguided attempt to flatter her. He couldn’t have realised the avalanche of emotion his words would release, and he was probably feeling as battered as she was herself. She ought to go back and make her peace with him, but she couldn’t.

She got up, shivering in the cold wind. A bird screeched mockingly overhead, and as she looked up it seemed to dive towards her. She ducked instinctively, and cried out as she felt herself slipping.

She fell heavily, but, instead of solid ground beneath her, she felt the earth moving, sliding, taking her with it as it broke away.

She knew that she screamed, but the sound was lost among the wild cries of the sea birds disturbed by the small avalanche.

Quite a large piece of the cliff had fallen away, and she had fallen with it. Below her she could see the foam-capped waves; above her was the clifftop. She was perched on less than four square feet of rock and earth that was somehow wedged between a rocky outcrop six feet below the top of the cliff.

Six feet, that was all, but it might just as well have been sixty. There was no way she could clamber up that almost vertical rock-face and back to safety. In fact, she dared not even move, terrified in case she destroyed her fragile security.

It had started to rain again, and surely the wind was harsher, buffeting against the cliff-face.

Gulls cried and swooped, and far out to sea she could see the grey outline of a boat. She dared not look down. She had always had a thing about water combined with height. If she looked, she would be drawn downwards, she knew it. She shivered, her jacket no protection against the wind and rain. And then, incredibly, she heard Guy’s voice.

He was calling her name, his voice harsh.

Less than ten minutes ago she had felt she could never face him again, and yet now she would have given anything to get up and run towards him.

It was several seconds before she could call out to him, and then several more before she could hear his voice again. Closer this time.

‘I’m here, Guy. There was a landslide, the cliff… Be careful!’ She stopped as she saw him looking down at her.

It must be the cold that was making him look so tense, as though at any second he feared his control might shatter.

‘I think you’ll have to go to the village to get help.’

He looked away from her, and she thought he said something, but she couldn’t quite hear.

He disappeared completely then and, even though she knew he had to leave her to get help, she felt more abandoned than she had felt when her parents died, more alone than at any other time in her life.

Her ankle had gone numb and she moved instinctively, tensing abruptly as she felt her perch begin to tilt.

She had a momentary and unwanted view of the rocks below her, and the sea frothing angrily around the rocks, throwing up showers of grey-white spume. The tide was coming in. It couldn’t reach her up here of course.

She shivered and bit down hard on her bottom lip. What was the point in crying now? It was her own folly that had brought her here. Her own crazy stupidity…