Medicine Man

I think Beth smiles. It’s a little sad but I hear it in her voice. “He feels too much, Willow. And all of it is inside of him. I don’t think he ever got to express anything of his own. His dad wasn’t there so he took care of his mom and she was so vivacious and bright. Too bright, almost. He never got the chance to ever shine. Simon is not good at expressing things.”

“I know.”

“He’s always been reserved, too restrained and the only time I’ve seen him come alive was when he was with you. The only time I’ve seen him either smile or even happy, was when you were there. And I know that he shouldn’t have done the things he did. But he needs you, Willow. He needs you so much and that’s the reason he’ll never tell you because that’s just the way he is. He doesn’t take failures or weaknesses lightly. He doesn’t ask for help.” Pausing, she says, “I promised myself that I wouldn’t tell you. I’ve already done enough damage. I’ve been less than professional. It doesn’t matter what he’s going through because I know he’s hurt you. Immensely. But I know that he lo—”

“Don’t say it, please.”

I wipe off my tears and sit up straight, my heart beating painfully in my ribcage, breaking bones, flaying my muscles.

I don’t think I can take it, hearing it from someone else. It’s more hurtful. More torturous than him not saying it.

“You wanted to know what happened that day. I told him that I had feelings for him. I stupidly told him that I was born for him.” I chuckle and it turns into a sob. “And he told me that I was immature. He told me that he didn’t feel the same way. And I was heartbroken. Sometimes I can’t stop laughing about how ironic everything is. I came to Heartstone claiming that I tried to kill myself because I was heartbroken. But I didn’t even know the meaning of heartbreak until him. I didn’t even know that I was capable of really losing my mind until him.”

“Willow –”

“Beth, the thing is that I’ve been waiting for him for a long time now. I fought for him, tried to make him see that we belonged together. Tried to show that I trusted him. And I did that because I always thought that deep down, he felt the same way. I always thought that he was trying to say something to me, but for some reason, he couldn’t. And he didn’t. Not even at the end. And then, he left. He didn’t even come back. The last thing I remember from that day is dying in his arms, with him looking down at me. Or maybe I was hoping to die, I don’t know. So yeah, I don’t understand what you want from me. I don’t know why you told me all this. He doesn’t need me. He doesn’t need anyone. And trust me that he definitely doesn’t want me. Unless they changed the whole wishing process and now, you magically get everything you wish for.”

Wiping my tears again, I look at the ceiling. “And I don’t think we should talk anymore because I should be trying to move on rather than being hung up on the past. Heartstone. Him.”

She’s silent but unlike other times, I hear her. I hear her chopped breaths and little noises of cries. I must sound the same.

Both crying for a man who probably doesn’t even know that we’re secretly tearing up for him.

“All right. I won’t. I never should have started it in the first place. I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay. But before I go, I wanted to tell you one thing. The reason I brought it up today is because… well, Alistair, he passed away a few days ago.”

“I’m sorry?”

“He had Alzheimer’s and it had gotten pretty bad. We were expecting it but not really, you know. Anyway, there’s a funeral tomorrow at the cemetery by the hospital. I was calling to see if you’d like to come, but I’ll understand if you don’t.”

“I…”

“In fact, you shouldn’t. You should move on,” she says in a choked-up voice. “I can’t even tell you how proud I am of you. How much you’ve grown. You were one of the best patients at Heartstone and I’ve really enjoyed talking to you. Please know that. And please reach out to me, if you ever need anything. You’re not just a patient to me, okay?” Before she hangs up, she whispers, “Simon would’ve been lucky to have you.”

With a click she’s gone and the phone slips from my hands.

I feel dizzy but I can’t do anything about it. I can’t bury my head in between my knees. I can’t sit there until I feel better. I have to know.