Medicine Man

Knock, knock, knock.

I stop smiling and look at the wall. Flimsy and thin. The wall that carries all the sounds across.

“Hey,” I say, turning on my side, watching the white plaster with apprehension.

“Hey.” Renn’s voice floats through.

Okay, so I know that what happened last night was risky as hell. I know that. Those fifty-six minutes between hourly checks weren’t foolproof. Anyone could’ve walked in. Anyone could have walked down the hallway, taken a peek through the small window of my room and would’ve found Simon and me, rubbing up against each other.

I know that. I know we got lucky.

I also know that the wall separating me from my neighbor is thin, wooden. As in, so thin and wooden that even whispers carry across. Thank God I’ve got the corner room with the stairs on the other side, so I only have one neighbor to contend with. And even though it was raining and storming last night, there’s every chance Renn has heard something.

But she would never say anything. I’ve only known her for thirty-five days and still, I know it. I know she’s my BFF. And when I leave here in seven days, I’ll take all these memories and friendships with me.

“Sleep well last night?” she asks casually.

Even so, I’m a little apprehensive. Not of the fact that she might tell someone but of the fact that she might think less of me.

I clear my throat. “Yes. You?”

“Pretty amazing.” She turns on her side, as evident by the rustling. “So it was crazy last night, wasn’t it? With the rain.”

My heart’s racing now. God, I can’t tell from her voice what she’s thinking.

Please don’t let her judge me.

“Yes. Super crazy.” I grimace in the quiet.

“So?”

“So…”

“Are you really gonna make me say it?”

“Say what?”

“Willow.”

“Renn.”

She growls. “Jesus. I know, okay? I heard. And if you think that I didn’t, then you’re stupider than I thought.”

“Hey, there’s no need to be rude.”

I hear a huff. “Fine. I’m sorry. But what the hell were you thinking, Willow?”

“I… don’t… I wasn’t planning on it.”

“I can’t believe it happened. Anyone, and I mean any of the night shift nurses, could’ve walked in on you.”

“I know.” I clutch the blanket and hide my face under it before mumbling, “I can’t believe it happened, either.”

“How did it even happen? Like, what? How… I don’t…”

I lower the blanket. “Actually, I kind of asked him out on a date a few days ago.”

“What?”

“Lower your voice, you idiot!”

“Oh, I’m the idiot between the two of us? Me? And you’re so fucking smart asking him out, right?”

“Fine. Be that way. I’m not telling you anything.” I flop down on my back and cross my arms across my chest, hoping she doesn’t call my bluff.

Because I’m dying to tell someone.

This talking thing is very addictive. Now I know why girls at my school always traveled in packs. They wanted to gossip. Not that what happened last night is an inconsequential topic or gossip, but still. I need a friend right now.

Renn sighs. “I’m sorry.”

“You mean that?”

“Yes. But you can’t blame me for reacting pretty strongly to this piece of information. You never told me.” More rustling. “How come you never told me?”

I sigh too and turn to face the wall again. “I didn’t know what to say. He obviously said no. He told me he didn’t have feelings for me. So that was that.”

“But then, how was he here last night?”

Something flips in my stomach as I remember all the things he said to me. All the things he’s been thinking about. I thought he didn’t even look at me. I thought nothing about me appealed to him. I thought he was objective, cold, impersonal.

He wasn’t.

He watched me. He’s been watching me. He wants me too.

Isn’t that the most miraculous thing in the world? It’s more miraculous than magic. Who needs magic if you have that?

Him. Wanting me like I want him.

“But then, he told me that he wanted me too. But he didn’t want to give in because of what we are.”

“What changed?”

I try to remember what happened leading up to the kiss. I talked in group, and then he called me into his office, and I asked him if he knew someone who’d given up.

Yes.

That’s what he said in such a heartbreaking voice that I felt my own heart break.

“I-I’m not sure. There’s something. Something in his life that’s bothering him. But I don’t know what.”

“Do you think it’s his previous job?”

I sigh. “Maybe. I can’t say. But it feels personal. Maybe it’s both.”

“Do you want me to find out?”

“What do you mean?”

“So you know my dad is on the board of directors, right? My dad’s assistant is pretty resourceful. He’s the one who calls every week to check up on me. I can’t promise the personal details, but I can tell him to ask around and maybe we’ll find out something about his job.”