Dreams of 18

Because of him. He’s been telling me this and in this moment, I completely believe him. So much so that even my anxiety can’t sway me.

This man who has his arms around me and who’s choosing to put everything at risk for me.

“This isn’t over,” Richard says.

Richard’s threatening words fill me with so much strength that even Graham’s arms can’t hold me back. Nothing can hold me or this bright burst of courage and I break our hug. I lean over to look at the angry figure that is Richard.

He’s in the process of walking over to the driveway and I stop him. “He’s not doing anything wrong. I’m eighteen. I want to be here. I want to be with him. And it’s not his fault. Whatever he did. P-people scare me. He –”

Graham fists my hair then. He swallows up whatever I was going to say and forces me to look back at him. “You’re not explaining yourself to anyone. You’re never explaining, understand? You don’t have to.”

I’m panting even though I haven’t said much. It’s not from what I’ve said though. My breathlessness is from what I was going to say.

Only now that I’m staring back at Graham do I realize that I was going to say: he doesn’t know.

That’s what I was going to say. That Graham doesn’t know what I have. He doesn’t know that I’ve got an illness.

I was going to confess and he stopped me from it.

I should be relieved, I know. Strangely, I’m not. I’m restless and I don’t understand.

He not only stopped me but right now, he’s cupping my cheek. His palm cradles it and his fingers reach up to my hair. Again, he addresses Richard, without looking at him. “Richard. Leave. Now.”

I hear Richard scoff but after that I tune him out. I don’t care if he leaves.

I don’t care if he stays to watch.

To watch me kiss Graham. To watch me claim my man, like my man claimed me.

In fact, I want Richard to watch. I want the whole world to watch when I pick him. When I pick my Graham.

I hike up my thigh until Graham gets the message and he heaves me up in his arms.

I wind my legs around his waist and put my mouth on him.

Not only that, I moan too.

I moan into the kiss that Graham returns with equal fervor. He splays his hand on the back of my head and practically presses my lips on his.

I let him do that and devour my mouth while I open my eyes.

I open them and look directly into the eyes of a stranger in almost a year. I look directly at Richard, who hasn’t gone anywhere.

Maybe he was going to but our sudden actions stopped him, Graham’s and mine. And now, he’s watching us with a frown.

But again, I don’t care – I want him to watch – and neither does Graham.

I feel so rebellious in this moment, so wild. So unlike my anxious, shy self.

We kiss and kiss while I’m looking Richard in the eyes, while I’m telling him that my man – my honey – makes it good for me.

He makes it so good, so fucking fantastic that I can’t stop moaning. I can’t stop writhing in his lap. I can’t stop humping his stomach. I can’t stop my pussy from going wet and steamy for him and I’m not even wearing panties. I’m probably smearing my wetness all over his shirt, making it messy.

Most of all I can’t stop acting like a slut.

I’m his slut, I tell Richard.

Who shakes his head like he’s so disgusted by it but his eyes are wide and he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and I know that he’s not.

He feels it too.

What we feel, Graham and me. This overwhelming need. This craving.

This thing that’s always been between us, right from the beginning. Right from that first look.

The thing that made us outcasts and ashamed and crazy. Maybe even criminals.

But we don’t care because we’re not doing anything wrong. We never did.

Finally, Richard realizes what he’s doing and gets moving.

He unglues his eyes and his feet and turns around and stalks out of there.

I break the kiss, then.

I pant into Graham’s mouth, “I wanna suck your cock.”

I want to.

I want to tell him what this means to me. What his support and protection, his claiming means to me. What it means to have no anxious thoughts in my head even for a few moments.

It means that I want to love him. I want to care for him. I want to make him feel special and I know he loves fucking my mouth.

He loves it when I take him in and suck on his crown like candy.

In fact, he goes crazy when I do that.

He changes.

He becomes a beast and I want that. I want to change him like he just transformed me. From a shy and anxious girl to this person who looked into a stranger’s eyes and kissed the man she loved.