Dirty, Reckless Love (Boys of Jackson Harbor 3)

“Not long,” he says. When he walks into the room, I swear the air turns warmer. Or maybe that’s just me. “How are you feeling?” he asks Colton.

“Like shit, but at least I won’t be spending the rest of my life in prison for a crime I didn’t commit.”

“Such a glass half-full guy,” Levi says, trying to smile.

“Fuck off, Levi.”

Levi winces. “Can I get you anything?”

“You can get out of here so I can sleep,” Colton says, not looking at us. My chest aches with guilt. He doesn’t want to see us together.

“Sleep well,” I tell Colton, squeezing his hand as Levi retreats to the hall.

Colton tugs me close, but he doesn’t look at me. “The second he treats you like less than a queen, you walk away,” he whispers, eyes still closed. “I know you want to be friends, but it might be a while.” He shrugs. “Who knows, maybe in rehab they’ll teach me how to stop being a selfish prick.”

My chest is too full. I love this man, and if love were as simple as one thing you feel for one person in one way, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. But it is so much more than that, and in its complexity, so much better. “I’ll be patient.” I lean down and sweep his too-long hair off his face. I press a kiss to his forehead.

I join Levi in the hall and pull the door closed behind me. When Levi turns to me, his eyes are so sad. Too much like the eyes of the man who came to Dyer to convince me to come home. “Can we talk?”

I nod. We quietly walk side by side down the hall, and I don’t touch him, even though my instinct is to crawl into his arms. He presses the button for the elevator, and we ride down in silence, heading to the cafeteria for coffee without discussing it.

He doesn’t talk until we’re seated, steaming cups of weak brew in front of us. “I owe you an apology.”

Shrugging, I sniff my coffee. It smells like hot water.

“I never would have turned you away that day in September if I’d realized you were in danger. I thought it was the same old Colton stuff—that he owed money to a bookie or needed help paying his way through rehab again.” He searches my face and shakes his head. “Even if it was those things, I never should have turned my back on you. Because you’re right. If we’re not there to pick up the people we love when they fall down, what is our love worth?”

“You don’t owe me an explanation.” It hurts too much to meet his eyes when I know what I need to do next, so I study my hands. “You were doing what you thought was right.”

“But I wasn’t. I was doing what I thought would make you choose me. I wanted you to see that if you stayed with Colton, you’d be saving him over and over again. I wanted you to understand that you’d be free of that if you chose me. I was being selfish then, but selfishness wasn’t why I turned Colton in. He’s like a brother to me, but you need to understand that if I’m ever in a position when I have to choose between your safety and protecting Colton . . .” I lift my head and watch his Adam’s apple bob with his swallow. “I’ll choose you every time. Sunday, it was the wrong choice, but I can’t pretend I wouldn’t do it again if I thought I was protecting you.”

“Levi . . .” I move to the other side of the table so I’m sitting next to him and press my palm to his cheek. His eyes are different than the eyes of the boy I met at a fundraiser two and a half years ago. These are the eyes of a man who’s been through too much. A man who loved me and watched me walk away from him. A man who would’ve gladly helped me raise Colton’s baby, and who almost lost me to a dirty cop trying to cover his tracks. The boy I met so long ago wouldn’t have called the cops on his best friend, but this man has been through too much not to. “I understand. You did what you thought you had to do.”

His gaze drops to my mouth. “I want to kiss you right now.”

“Don’t.” I place two fingers lightly against his lips. “I can’t.”

He flinches. “Did I lose you so easily?”

“You deserve better than a girl who’s terrified of being alone. I went from one relationship to another in college, and then I was with Tate, which was its own kind of relationship. As soon as I left that and came to Jackson Harbor, I found Colton and then you . . .” I draw in a long breath and take my hand from his mouth as I stand. “I need to be alone for a while. To figure myself out.”

“Don’t walk away from me again.” He shakes his head. “Whatever you need to figure out, we can figure out together.”

I feel my resolve crumbling, so I back up a step. “But then I’d never know if I could do it on my own.”

“All I’ve done since the day we met is watch you walk away from me.” He searches my face. “What do I have to do to be enough that you want to stay?”

Tears sting the backs of my eyes. “You are enough. I’m the one that’s not.”

His jaw twitches, and I can tell he wants to argue. “Do you want me to wait for you?”

Yes. Please. But I won’t ask that because it’s not fair. “I want you to live your life, and when the time is right . . . if it ever is . . . if you still want to be with me, we’ll take it from there.”

He bows his head for a long time, and I watch the muscles in his shoulders bunch. When he lifts his head, his eyes are full of anguish, and I think he might push me to change my mind. Instead, he says, “I love you,” and the words are so rough with hurt that I think they might leave a scar on my heart.

“I love you too.”

Levi