Lost In Me (Here and Now 1)

I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

But she isn’t like the school counselor and she doesn’t let the silence go on forever. “You came to me because you were battling depression and an eating disorder.”

I feel myself wilt. I don’t want to hear these things. I don’t want her tainting my perfect world. I shouldn’t have come. I should have ignored the reminder and carried on.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Dr. Perkins says.

I remember Nix’s request for me to see her in her office about diet concerns brought on by my blood work. “An eating disorder? Depression?”

Something flicks across her features. Regret? Sadness? “There’s no shame in getting help. Are you eating? Since your accident?”

I pause and turn back to her. “I am.”

She smiles. “That’s good.”

“I wasn’t before, was I? That’s how I lost all this weight? I was starving myself?” Panic claws at me the moment the words leave my mouth because I know they’re true. “This means I’m going to gain the weight back, doesn’t it?”

“You came to me because you recognized something in your own habits that you knew wasn’t healthy. You recognized there were parts of your life more important than numbers on the scale and you wanted me to help.”

I swallow, but this information is a bitter pill that goes down rough and painfully. “Did I talk to you about…other things?”

“Like what?”

“This is confidential?” I whisper.

“Of course.”

“Was I cheating on my fiancé?” I shake my head. “He’s my fiancé now, but I guess he would have been my boyfriend last time I was here.”

She crosses her arms over her chest. “You didn’t share that with me if it was true, but you didn’t mention a boyfriend either.”

“Oh. Yeah. I guess this was just about the food.”

“Eating disorders are never just about the food, Hanna. They’re about more than your body and about more than losing weight. They’re about control. And you’ve spent the last three months starving yourself so you would feel like you had control over your life again.”

WHEN I return from Indianapolis, the bakery is bustling with a crowd picking up lattes for their afternoon pick-me-ups and fresh pastries to go along with them.

Squeezing past the line, I slip behind the counter and tap Lizzy’s shoulder. “I need to talk.”

“Yeah, well, I’m a little busy running your bakery, so—”

I take the cup from her hand and slam it on the counter. “It’s important.”

“PMS much?” the ponytailed pretty girl at the front of the line says.

I narrow my eyes at her before sticking my head back in the kitchen. “Drew? I need you to work the front for a few minutes.”

/> “That’s a really bad idea,” Lizzy warns.

I ignore her and drag her up to my apartment. It’s tempting to meet her chilliness with my own, but right now I need my sister too much. I slam the door closed behind her.

“Listen.” I wag my finger in her face. I’ve had enough. “I don’t know who pissed in your Wheaties, but right now I need my sister, so whatever is broken between us, can we just put it aside for a while?”

Her eyes go wide. “I… You…” Her shoulders sag and she collapses onto my couch.

“You asked me if I was sure things are good. Well, I’m not sure.” I pace in front of her. “Everything looks so perfect on the surface, but how am I supposed to know how I feel about anything when I don’t remember?”

“I’m such a bitch, Hanna. I’m sorry. Don’t listen to me. I’m jealous. You’re engaged, Maggie’s living with Asher… Any minute now, I’m going to be the last single girl standing. Maybe that’s making me cranky, but it shouldn’t ruin a happy time for you.”