Lost In Me (Here and Now 1)

The bell rings, and Drew calls from the front, “Hanna, my sister is here!”

I rush through the swinging door without a word to Lizzy and practically tackle Cally into a hug. “Congratulations!” I screech.

Cally gives me a squeeze before stepping back and frowning.

“On your engagement,” Lizzy explains behind me. “She didn’t know.”

“Oh!” Cally throws her hand over her mouth, and I see her sparkling ring. “Of course she didn’t!”

“How did I miss that when you visited me at the hospital?” I take her hand and study the ring. “God, it’s gorgeous.”

“I didn’t have it on that day. The jeweler needed it so he could design my wedding band.”

“Wedding band.” I melt a little. William and Cally had to go through so much to get this far, and I can’t think of any two people who deserve happiness more. “I’m so happy for you.”

“Well, I’d hope so. You’re in the wedding.”

“Ooh!” My eyes fill with tears all over again.

Behind me, Drew grunts, and I can practically hear her rolling her eyes. “This would be so sweet if you hadn’t already been through it all months ago. Seriously, it’s the Twilight Zone around here.”

“Come on.” I wave Cally over to a table in the corner. “Let’s talk about your wedding cake.”

December—Eight Months Before Accident

Skinny chicks should be required to take a class in empathy. I’d call it Fat Girl 101 and I’d teach them all the secret rules fat girls live by:

1) Never use the word fat. It makes the skinny folk uncomfortable.

2) Pretend to be at peace with your body and size while simultaneously and continuously making your best efforts to reduce it to something more aesthetically pleasing.

3) Pretend to be attracted to the guys you stand a chance with and hide your attraction to The Unattainables.

I’ve spent most of my life following these simple rules, but tonight they’re not coming easily.

I don’t want to be that girl. The one who can’t enjoy herself because she’s too busy looking at how much thinner, prettier, or more fashionable the women around her are. The one who can’t believe the man on her arm wants to be with her, so she spends all her energy feeding her jealousy toward the women he should want. But tonight, I’m all that and worse.

The gallery’s winter opening is bustling, and William and Cally are glowing as people circulate through the new exhibit. Cally waves at me from across the room, her smile bright. Max and I are supposed to go out with them tonight after the opening, but Lizzy’s here in a red dress that shows off her long legs and skinny arms, and all I can think about is how inadequate I am.

I’m about to smack myself.

I beeline for the bar and hand a ten to the bartender. “Your biggest glass of your sweetest red, please.”

The bartender’s eyes drop to my cleavage for a minute, and I actually smile. I forget how much men like tits. I forget that some men like tits enough to overlook everything else. And maybe I should be offended by this stranger’s not-so-subtle appreciation of mine, but politically correct or not, knowing that he’s looking seriously lifts my spirits.

I take a long pull off the wine and lean on the bar as I scan the room for Max.

“Waiting for your date?” the bartender asks. He’s cute. Probably a student at Sinclair like me. He’s got that disheveled surfer-boy look going on, even in his white button-up shirt and dress pants.

I take another healthy swallow. Wine goes a long way to make me forget my insecurities, and if I don’t want to be that girl, I’m gonna need a vat of it tonight. “I am,” I say with a sigh. “But last time I saw him, he was checking out my twin.”

The surfer boy coughs and pulls at the neck of his dress shirt. He’s so obviously uncomfortable in it, I almost feel bad for him. As if giving up, he unbuttons the top button. His eyes dip to my cleavage again, but he pulls them back up so fast it doesn’t feel smarmy, just flattering and adorable.

“You have a twin?”

I roll my eyes. Boys and their twin fantasies. Seriously. “Yes, but we’re not identical.” Not by a long shot.

God, if Max had known I was behind him, he never would have checked out Lizzy like that. He’s not an asshole or anything. He’s just a normal guy. And like any normal guy, he wants to fuck my twin more than he’ll ever want to fuck me.