Bad Bad Girl

So we separated. I left and got a place temporarily to decide what was next. A furnished apartment became my home. For months I lived amongst belongings that weren’t my own. I slept in a bed that others had slept in, watched a television that didn’t truly belong to me and received mail in a mailbox that would only be for a short time. He called, he visited, and he cried. I didn’t. My heart had grown cold. Emotions, feelings, any form of love lacked in my impassive heart.

I came to the house today to come to an agreement. I could no longer stay in the limbo between marriage and divorce. Apparently, based on what I walked in on, he couldn’t either. He was ready to move on as well. Almost a year of separation was enough for both of us. He moved on, and so should I.

So yes, a woman should never have to see her husband having sex with another woman. But it allowed me to release my guilt somewhat. Seeing him naked beneath another woman allowed me to close the door. Today told me that the marriage was indeed over. That it had been over for a very long time. I could move on and not look back. I could accept the job offer I got back in my hometown and start over. I could move home, be surrounded by my closest friends, and try to fix my broken life.

I got offered the job I’d wanted, as a program director for a non-profit. It finally seemed as if my luck might be changing, and I couldn’t help but be a little hopeful. After today, I decided it was time to start letting my friends know I was returning home…for good.

I quickly called Coley, my best friend since high school. We managed to always stay in contact, even if we both lived in different states or countries. Coley had always been my constant. She was one of those girls who spoke her mind freely…sometimes a little too freely. She was spontaneous, fun and lived life to the fullest. She was a free spirit and let nothing get her down. She, too, had just recently returned home after writing stories in a café in Prague. Only Coley could have the courage to travel to the countries she did. She traveled with a one-way ticket and no real plan as to when she’d be returning. I loved Coley more than anything and couldn’t wait to tell her that I’d be seeing her in just a week.

I hurriedly dialed her number and was disappointed to hear, “Hey, it’s Coley. You know what to do.” Beep.

“Coley, it’s me, Neely. I have excellent news! Call me as soon as you can.”

My next call was to Coley’s older brother, Caine. Caine meant more to me than any man alive. He had always been the protective older “brother” to me, as well as to Coley. He was just as strong in his actions as he was in his physique. He loved with an intensity which could be annoying to a troublesome teenager, but was desired as an adult. I loved Caine, as a friend, or at least that was how we always kept it. Caine and Coley were the only family I had left, and I’m pretty sure Caine and Coley felt the same about me.

My mom had died three years ago from colon cancer after a long and painful battle. It was Caine who held me as I sobbed for days. It was Coley and Caine who helped me through one of the darkest moments in my life. My father was never in the picture, so it was just me and my mom, and when my mom died, I was alone.

Coley and Caine were no novices when it came to death and grieving either. They had lost their parents in a horrible car accident two days before our high school graduation. The driver had somehow lost control of the car on a mountain pass and it went over the cliff. I can still remember how devastating the tragedy was. I stood at the gravesite holding hands with Caine and Coley, sobbing as their parents were lowered into the ground.

I paced the kitchen as the phone rang, hoping I could catch Caine. I could never really be sure of his ever-changing firefighting schedule.

“Hello,” Caine’s deep voice echoed. It always amazed me how, even over the phone, he seemed so strong and powerful.

“Caine, it’s me, Neely. I have fantastic news! I’m moving home. I’m moving back to you guys! I just got offered a job today, and I start in a week.” I spoke so fast and so loud I was sure Caine had to pull the phone back away from his ear. “I’m moving forward with the divorce.”