Bad Bad Girl

I looked around the cemetery, taking in the nice day. It always amazed me how beautiful a graveyard could be. Lush trees surrounded the grounds. The grass was always a perfect shade of green, and the manicured flowers always so lovely. My mother’s grave was modest, as she requested. And her grave was neglected. I knelt and began to pull the weeds and dispose of the dead flowers that had been placed long ago. She made me promise that I wouldn’t visit her grave. She didn’t want me to mourn staring at a piece of concrete. But seeing the lack of attention to the site made me feel guilty.

“I can’t let your grave get like this, Mama,” I whispered.

I sat back and stared at her name carved into the monument. “I miss you, Mama. I wish you were here.” I paused to wipe the dirt from my hands to my skirt.

“I’m in love, Mama. Can you believe it? I’m in love with Caine. And he loves me, too. We’re getting married!”

I felt a pang in my heart thinking about the last two days. Knowing this day was coming, made me distant, sad and moody. Caine tried to help. He tried to have me open up to him. Explain what was going on. For some reason I couldn’t. I didn’t want to discuss it with him. I was shutting down. I felt this was something I could deal with on my own. I didn’t want Caine to see me as weak or over emotional. My attempt at keeping my sadness to myself seemed to be getting in the way. Caine was growing frustrated, and I was simply growing numb.

Caine knew me better than anyone. But even he couldn’t break the wall I put up. He loved me, he held me, and he promised he’d always be there for me. But I couldn’t share my pain. I couldn’t tell him that the anniversary of my mother’s death was near. It would have been so simple to just tell him. Allow him to nurture and care for me. I needed it so bad. So why did I refuse? Why did I let myself sink into a deep hole of darkness, not allowing him to help me out?

Last night was the worst. I came home after work to an empty house. I knew Caine was at the station until late, and I just felt angry. On the kitchen table was a single tulip and a written note that read, I Love You. Call me when you get home.

I should have been happy. I should have loved the romantic gesture. But I didn’t feel anything but the deep depression that had finally taken over me.

I chose not to call him. I just crawled in bed and tried to push out the world. My phone rang, and I knew it was Caine. He knew I would be home by now and was probably worried as to why I didn’t call. I ignored the ring. He called several times, with me ignoring each one.

After several hours, I finally decided to answer the phone.

“Neely? Are you all right? Why haven’t you answered my calls?” Caine demanded. I could hear the panic in his voice.

“I’m fine. I just didn’t feel like talking,” I answered.

“What? Why? Jesus Christ, Neely! You had me worried out of my mind!” Caine shouted.

“I’m sorry,” I weakly apologized. “I need to go.”

“Wait…Neely,” Caine said.

“Yes,” I replied.

“I love you,” Caine said barely above a whisper.

I simply hung up the phone. I closed my eyes and allowed sleep to take over. I heard Caine come in later that night, and I pretended to be asleep. I could tell that Caine was staring at me, but I didn’t want to talk. Even after how poorly I had treated him, he still leaned in and softly kissed me on the forehead.

I wiped the tears away as I remembered last night. Staring at my mother’s grave all alone made me long for Caine. I was pushing him away, but I so desperately needed him. I hung up the phone last night and didn’t even say goodbye. I didn’t tell him that I loved him, too.

“It hurts, Mama. I know it’s been three years, but it hurts.” The tears began to flow. “I’m pushing him away, Mama. I’m going to mess this up, just like I did with my last marriage. I’m going to lose him, too. What’s wrong with me?” I asked the grave before me.

“I love him, Mama, so much. I just hope I haven’t pushed him away. I hope he loves me after how I acted,” I cried.

I felt someone come up behind me and place a hand on my shoulder.

“He will always love you.”

I turned, startled to find Caine standing behind me with a bouquet of flowers in his free hand. He smiled at me with nothing but love in his eyes.