Fall to You (Here and Now 2)

“Let me walk you up,” I say, taking her arm.

She gives me a half-smile. “Thanks.”

When we reach her door, our gazes lock and I have to swallow something thick in my throat that feels a whole lot like regret.

HIS EYES search mine, and they’re full of so many emotions I don’t dare analyze.

I can’t ask him to stay. I wouldn’t. But I’m terrified to go into that apartment and spend the night alone. The future stretches out before me—an endless landscape of terrifying unknowns that I have to brave alone.

“I’m scared.”

The moment his fingers touch mine, my heart slams in my chest and some frozen part of me begins to thaw. He brings my hand to his mouth. It’s just a kiss, a brush of lips against my knuckles, but there’s so much in that one gesture.

“I’m here, okay?” He grazes his thumb over my cheek, and I feel the moisture of tears I didn’t realize I was shedding. “However you want me to be.”

I wake in the middle of the night and bolt upright in bed to horrible, ugly sobs. It sounds like someone is having her heart ripped out and it’s terrifying. Only when Lizzy wraps me in her arms and murmurs in my ear do I realize they’re coming from me.

“Shh.” Liz holds me, rocks me back and forth. “Shh. You’re not alone. I’ve got you.”

When the sobbing subsides, I lie back down, and she lies next to me and laces her fingers through mine. “My heart hurts,” I whisper into the darkness.

r /> I can’t see her face, but I know from the way she’s sniffling that she’s been crying too. “I know.”

“He lied to me.” I close my eyes and squeeze my sister’s hand. “He said he wasn’t offering me commitment, but that’s not true. A few days before my accident, he told me he was in love with me and wanted to find a way to make it work.”

“Oh, Hanna,” Liz says. “I’m so sorry.”

I shake my head in the darkness. “I was supposed to be making my decision. I was supposed to choose, and the next time he saw me, I was wearing Max’s ring. I can’t imagine how much that must have hurt him, but I don’t understand why he lied about it when I told him I needed to remember why I chose Max. Why would he lie?”

“Maybe he thought you’d be better off with Max.”

“I think I was wrong about Max’s reasons for wanting me.” I draw in a ragged breath. “I never realized how much my own self-hatred could damage everyone around me.”

“You don’t need to worry about that,” she murmurs, smoothing my hair.

“I love them both. Nate is dead, and I still feel like my heart is torn between two men.”

“Shh.” She squeezes my hand. “It going to be okay.”

I shake my head. Nothing’s okay. I love two men and can’t be with either. If accusing Max of only wanting me for my money didn’t destroy everything between us, the fact that I would be choosing him after Nate’s death does. And now I’m grieving another man, pregnant with his babies. Twins. I shouldn’t be surprised. Nate and I are both twins. But that doesn’t make it any less of a shock. I’m not sure I’m ready to be a mom at all, and suddenly I’m going to be a mom of two?

“I’m so fucked up.”

“You’re tired. Close your eyes.”

“It’s twins,” I whisper into the darkness.

I know she heard me because I hear her soft gasp, but I can’t see her face. Then she throws her arms around me and we’re lying in bed, hugging so tight that right in that moment it feels like maybe—despite the grief tearing me apart inside, despite the heartache that makes me want to cling to Max, despite the fear of what will happen when I tell my mom the truth—for just a minute, I believe everything is going to be okay.

WILLIAM AND Cally’s rehearsal dinner is full of food and wine and laughter¸ and I’m sitting here fighting the urge to lean my head against Max and close my eyes. I didn’t know it was possible to be this tired. Last night, after I woke from nightmares three different times, Liz stayed in bed with me like we used to when we were kids and scared of the dark.

I’ve been next to Max all night and it’s starting to get to me—the smell of his cologne, his drop-dead-gorgeous grin, his thick forearms exposed by the rolled cuffs of his dress shirt. I see his arms and want to crawl into them and hide from the world.

This afternoon, Liz made me go upstairs and take a nap, but instead of sleeping, I lay in bed wondering about those five days before my accident. Since I was living a life veiled in secrecy, I don’t have much to go on, but I know two things to be true: Nate told me that it was time to make a decision, and sometime shortly before I fell down the stairs, I put on Max’s ring. I gave my virginity to Nate and, less than five days later, chose Max. And the day I put on Max’s ring is a day Nix tells me I’ll probably never remember.

The servers are clearing our plates when Will stands from his seat next to Cally at the head table. People clink their forks against their glasses, and he smiles as the room grows silent.

“I just wanted to say a few words before we send you all on your way tonight,” he begins. “As you all know, I’ve been in love with Cally since high school.”