Teach Me Dirty

I dragged myself from the covers. Forced myself to my feet. “Can I have one of those, please?”

“A whole one?”

“I think I need a whole one.”

She handed me the packet and I lit one up.

“I’m so sorry, Helen. I got so angry and sad. I wanted to be with you… at Christmas… and I should have been happy that you were happy… but it hurt…”

I shook my head. “I should’ve called…”

“That’s no excuse. Not for what I did.”

“I do love you, Lizzie. Just not like that. I love Mark.”

She nodded and her eyes were all welled up. “I know. And I’ve ruined it.”

I forced a breath, sucked smoke deep inside and closed my eyes. “Dad was suspicious anyway. Miss Monkton, too. We weren’t careful enough. I wasn’t careful enough.”

“No!” she said. “Don’t blame yourself for this. This was all on me, Helen. I told your dad. You’d have found some way… you’d have made it work…”

“It’s all over now…” I felt the tears roll, and this time they were quiet ones.

“No! Don’t say that!”

“It is, Lizzie. It’s over. I won’t do this to him.”

“But what about him? What does he want?”

I shook my head. “He belongs here, Lizzie. He loves it here. I won’t take that away from him. Not for anything.” I took a long drag. “And even if I did, it would be alright, maybe. One month, one year, who knows, but one day he’d look at me and he’d see all the things he lost… because of me…”

“No!” she snapped. “No, Helen, he wouldn’t! That’s crazy!”

“It isn’t crazy.” I leaned back into the wall. “Plenty of things are crazy, but that isn’t one of them. This place has his soul.”

“No!”

“It’s already done,” I said. “It’s over.”

She sunk to the floor, her legs collapsing under her like the weight of the world was just too much to bear. And she cried, she cried so hard she couldn’t breathe, holding her chest like she was dying.

“It’s alright,” I said. “I’m not angry.”

She shook her head. “I ruined everything…”

“You didn’t.”

“I was just so alone without you… I felt so alone… and it made me feel so rotten… like all of me was dead inside…”

And then she said it. And it ripped me apart.

“It’s Ray…” she cried. “You were right about Ray. And it made me so angry, that things were so lovely for you when they were so horrible for me.”

“What?”

She looked at me and she was full of pain. “He… he makes me…”

“Oh God, Lizzie, no!” I threw my cigarette through the window and fell to her.

My heart pounded until she said the words.

“He makes me… he says I want it… but I don’t… I never wanted it… I swear I never wanted it, Hels…”

I held her tight and rocked her while she cried, and I cried, too. The world was only pain, and tears, and us.

“You have to tell me,” I sobbed. “You have to tell me everything… please, Lizzie… let me help…”

I breathed a sigh of relief as she nodded.

And then she told me everything.

***

Mark

I sealed the envelope and I propped it on the table, the handwriting so neat. Orderly.

Kenneth Briars. Head Teacher. Private and confidential.

I stared at it for a long while. Just staring, and smoking. Contemplating the reality of a letter I’d have never imagined writing a few months back.

My jaw was sore and stiff, and my nose was still tender, but the pain was in my bones in a way I couldn’t explain. It wasn’t even about guilt, or self-hatred, not anymore. This pain was pure. Clean almost.

Clean because nothing as beautiful as the way I felt about Helen could be that despicable. I just don’t believe the universe works that way.

But the universe was all fucked up, and so was I.

One neat white envelope could change all that. One simple letter would change the world in every way that mattered.

I wanted to tell her first, and that’s what I planned.

I got into my car and drove right to her street, parking just far enough away that her dad wouldn’t have any warning. I walked up the alleyway at the back of her house, and I stood in the rain to check the coast was clear, to check I’d make it to her before they made me turn away.

I imagined the showdown. Ran through the likelihood of losing a couple of teeth, maybe even getting a cracked rib or two, but none of that bothered me.

Helen, we’re leaving. Both of us. Wherever you want to go, whatever you want to do.

I’ll sell the house and we’ll go. I’ve got savings, Helen. We’ll be fine, Helen. We’ll do everything you’ve ever wanted, Helen.

You don’t have to finish this, Helen. Please, don’t finish this.

I was about to duck under the gap in the fence when I saw her bedroom window swing open, and there was Elizabeth Thomas, and she was crying. I could see she was crying even from that distance.