Teach Me Dirty

I couldn’t breathe. It stopped my heart.

As much as I wanted it, and oh God, how much I wanted it, I just couldn’t. I was shaking my head as the tears fell. “No,” I said. “You can’t.”

He smiled. “It’s just a letter, that’s all it takes.”

But he couldn’t. I wouldn’t let him.

I took the letter from his hands and I ripped it up and put it in my pocket while he stared. And he was confused, so confused.

“You belong here,” I said. “You’re good in this place. You’re really good. And people need you, and you love it here.”

“I’ll love it wherever you are.”

I shook my head. “Maybe at first, but to give up so much, that isn’t fair. I won’t let it happen.”

“I think that’s my decision,” he said.

“You love this place, you love that house!”

“Yes, and I love other things, too.”

I stepped away, clearing as much distance as I could. “What about Anna? What about the memories? Dad would never let you stay. He’d hound you out of everything, believe me.”

He flinched, but didn’t falter. “So be it. I don’t care.”

“You do care!”

“I know what I want, Helen.”

I focused all of my resolve, everything, on this one tiny moment. This one tiny moment where I could do the right thing. For him.

“And I know what I want,” I said. “And I want you to stay here.”

He scoffed. “You don’t mean that.”

“Yes, I do.”

“That’s just guilt, and there’s no need for it.”

“Maybe it’s guilt, maybe it’s because my heart knows you, and knows you need this place as much as it needs you.”

There was a flash of pain in his eyes and I saw it. “Helen, stop it. Please.”

“I can’t.”

“I’m going to have to print out a new letter now.”

“Please don’t.”

My tone took him aback. “Don’t do this, Helen. Please don’t buy into that shit from your dad. He can hound me out if he wants, and I’ll go gladly, but I won’t have you dragged into his pathetic reasoning over a guilty conscience.”

I pulled my shoulders back. “You need to stay.”

“I do not!”

“You need to stay,” I repeated, “and you need to help me. Because I need to know this is ok, and I need to know I didn’t ruin everything for you, and I need to do my exams, and I can’t…” I fought back the tears. “And I can’t do that without you… because I’m not that strong…”

“I don’t need to work here to help you finish your exams, Helen!”

“I know, but you will be working here, and I want you to help me finish them anyway.”

He put his hands in his hair. “This is insane. This is totally, absolutely insane.”

“It’s not… it’s the right thing…”

“No, it isn’t.”

“YES IT IS!” I took a breath and lowered my voice. “You’ve grown into this place and it’s grown into you! That’s what you said! The soul of the place, the soul of the land here. And Anna! You said you could never leave! You said you wouldn’t ever want to!”

“Things change, Helen. And I’ve changed my mind.”

I folded my arms and shook my head. “You haven’t changed your mind, your hand has been forced, that’s all.”

“It doesn’t matter why. The fact is I’ve changed my mind, circumstances don’t really matter.”

“You’re a teacher. A brilliant one. So, please, I’m asking you, please help me finish my exams… because I can’t… I can’t do this otherwise…” The tears came back and I hated it. I had to swat them away with my cuff. “I’m not going to take everything from you, so you may as well not hand in your resignation, because I won’t be coming, and I won’t be there watching Dad ruin everything for you. I just can’t do that.”

“Don’t be ridiculous!”

“I’m not. It would happen. I know it would happen.”

“And maybe it wouldn’t be that bad!”

But it would be. It would be that bad.

“Please, Mark,” I said, and I didn’t even swat the tears away this time. “Please don’t hand in your resignation. Please don’t.”

“Helen…”

“Don’t,” I said. “I’m asking you, please, don’t do it. Maybe we can wait… maybe one day… maybe Dad will see…”

“I’ve had enough of listening to this, Helen. I’m going to Kenneth’s office and I’m going to tell him I quit, and that’s the end of it.”

“Then I’ll fail my exams, because I won’t be able to come with you, not without Dad going ballistic and setting the whole town on some crazy fucking witch hunt, and if I can’t come with you, then I’ll be here on my own… and I don’t want to be here on my own…”

“Fucking hell,” he hissed. “Don’t make things like this. It doesn’t have to be like this.”

“It does!” I played my final card, and I hated myself for it. “I’m not a baby, don’t treat me like one!”