Teach Me Dirty

“And now you have to go back to being his little student? How are you gonna pull that off?”

I shook my head. “I’m not going to pull it off. We’re together now, I just have to pretend at school, but outside of it…” I could hardly believe the words. “Outside of it he’s mine. He’s really mine.”

And Lizzie smiled, and she tried so hard for it to be a real smile, I know she did. “That’s so great, Hels. That’s really great.” She pulled me into a hug. “I’m so happy for you.”

“You are? You really are?”

She squeezed me. “I really am.”

But she wasn’t. She looked sad, like I’d poked her in the heart or something. She stared at the river and smoked and kept that smile on her face.

“Are you ok, Lizzie? How are things with Scottie?”

“Good,” she said. “Amazing. I’ll probably see him tomorrow, you know. I think we’re going to hang out and have lots of sex, and he’ll probably fuck me in the ass again. It’ll be hot.”

I smiled. “That’s cool.”

“Yeah, it’s cool.”

“Is your mum home?”

Lizzie stiffened, and she threw her cigarette butt on the floor and lit up another. “No. Probably Monday.”

“Ray having his mates round?”

“Dunno. Probably.”

“You can stay at mine if you like.”

“Thanks, Hels, but Scottie, and you’re with Roberts now and…”

“You’re my best friend, Lizzie, the bestest of the bestests. You can stay over. I’m still going to be here, like all the time. I can’t even see him that much with studying.”

“You’ll see him,” she said. “You’ll see him all the time. These things, they just take over, you know?”

“Not you and Scottie. That hasn’t taken over. Why do you think my thing will be any different?”

She looked away from me. “It just will.”

I rested my head on her shoulder, until she gave in and put her arm around me. “I love you, Lizzie. That’s never going to change. Not ever. We’ll be dorm buddies, and hang out together, and you’ll be my best friend for all time.”

“Promise?” she said.

I gave the stupid finger symbol that she’d made up for me. “I swear, on pain of death, or never having Mr Roberts’ beautiful, beautiful cock inside me ever again for the rest of time, that I, Helen Palmer, will always be your best friend, Lizzie Thomas. Amen.”

And she laughed and handed me her cigarette. “Bestie’s honour?”

“Bestie’s honour.”

She kissed my cheek and gave a funny sigh, and for just a second I thought I saw her wipe a tear away.

“Right, Helen Palmer, you’d better take it from the top and tell me everything. And I mean everything.”

I told her everything.

***

I felt different as I walked through the front door. Like I’d aged twenty years.

Katie came charging out with a handful of chocolate, and half of it was smeared over her face.

“Some of this was yours, you didn’t mind sharing, did you?”

I smiled. “You can have it all.”

She did a little dance. “Yes! Katie for the win!”

I wondered where she even got half of this stuff from.

Mum was in the kitchen, and my heart tickled as I saw her there, stirring up a pot of stew for tea.

“Helen, love, I wondered when you’d be rolling in.”

“I was with Lizzie,” I said, but there was something in my voice, and I couldn’t stop it.

Mum was staring at me, I could feel her staring. And then she hurried past me and shut the door to the kitchen so nobody else could hear her.

“You’ve been with your boyfriend, haven’t you?” she said, and she was smiling. “You can tell me, love.”

And I nodded, I nodded and smiled and then I felt so stupid, like a big girl and a little girl all at once. And there were tears, happy tears. And I giggled and cried and felt so ridiculous that I tried to turn away but she wouldn’t let me.

“Oh, Helen, love, I’m so happy for you. That you met someone. You’re not a little girl anymore, and I know sometimes your dad acts like you are, but that’s only because he’s worried.”

“Thanks, Mum.”

“He seems nice, a really nice lad.”

And I wanted to tell her. I really wanted to tell her. But I couldn’t. I daren’t.

“Come here, love, you’re not too old and grown up for a hug now, are you?”

I wasn’t too old and grown up for a hug at all, and it felt so good, that I held onto her, and my heart was so big and full that it hurt, and I cried. And I think Mum cried, too.

She pulled away and she wiped her eyes. “Look at me,” she laughed. “Silly old fool.”

“I’m so happy, Mum,” I said. “I’ve never been so happy.”

“You want to hold onto that one, Helen. If you’re lucky enough to find someone who makes you feel like that, and loves you for the special, wonderful, unique woman you are, then you want to hold onto that one and never let him go.” She squeezed my arm. “I’ve missed this. I’ve missed seeing you smile, and laugh, and telling me things like I’m someone you want to talk to.”