The Doctor Who Has No Chance (Soulless 11)

For being a smart guy, I’d fucked up my life pretty badly.

Quite the accomplishment.

After my conversation with Sicily, she left the research facility and went elsewhere. She clearly needed space from me—and I thought space was good for both of us. She didn’t even bring me lunch, but my mini fridge always had snacks that I could scarf down. But it was still a huge change in my life when she wasn’t there, not because she didn’t bring me food, but because I didn’t get to talk to her over lunch.

I looked forward to it every day.

I spent the next few days going through the motions, a little numb, just doing my job and then going home as soon as possible. Instead of replaying and reanalyzing my conversation with Catherine a million times, all I could think about was Sicily.

She was a woman who didn’t deserve to shed a single tear.

I lifted weights a lot, watched TV, and then did paperwork on my couch. My family gave me some space like they knew I needed it, and I spent a lot of time in solitude. When Derek asked me to get a drink, I couldn’t say no, because I was tired of being cooped up in my apartment. Sicily hadn’t talked much at the office, like there was an invisible barrier between us.

Derek must have had a hard day because he ordered a scotch and skipped the beer. “Just a lot of bureaucratic bullshit. The government says I can’t test my rockets here, so I have to transport them down to Florida. It’s so fucking stupid.”

“Why would they do that?”

He gave a shrug. “Maybe because they know I build better rockets than NASA and they don’t fucking like it.” He relaxed back into his chair and brought the glass to his lips. “Whatever. I got bigger shit to worry about.”

“Like?”

“Lizzie.”

“Everything alright?”

“Everything’s fine. She’s just graduating soon.”

“You’ve got a couple months.”

“Yeah, but I feel like she just started her senior year. Look how quickly that passed.”

“You’ll visit her at Harvard, man.”

“Until she gets her own life, her own friends, boyfriends, parties…and then she’s not going to want to spend time with me anymore.” He tilted the glass left and right, watching the amber booze streak back and forth.

“Derek, I think you’re worrying about nothing. I missed Mom and Dad all the time, even when I was in medical school and residency. The second I was able to live wherever I wanted, where did I choose?”

He gave a shrug.

“Don’t worry about it, man. Yeah, there will probably be a couple years when she’s getting wasted and making out with frat guys at parties—”

He gave me a murderous stare.

“What?” I asked innocently. “You know it’s going to happen, and there’s nothing wrong with that happening.”

He dropped his gaze slightly, like he knew I was right, that if Lizzie were a boy, he would be encouraging his son to mingle with all the pretty girls he liked. Just because Lizzie was a girl didn’t mean it should be different. She was about to live the best years of her life.

Derek took a drink. “So…Catherine is officially behind you now?”

It was only a matter of time before he confronted me about it. “I guess.”

He gave a slight nod, as if in approval. “I admit I was surprised…but also relieved. What’s happening with Sicily?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?” he repeated.

“She’s seeing someone.” I looked down at my beer, my heart falling into my stomach when I pictured Zach’s possessive touch on her waist.

“So? Go for it.”

“Already did.”

His eyes filled with surprise then adopted a cloak of disappointment. “I didn’t know…”

“Yeah.” I drank my beer then wished I’d ordered a scotch too.

“Did she say why? Is it because of that guy?”

“No. It’s because of me.”

Derek waited for me to elaborate, his eyebrows furrowed.

“I told her I didn’t take Catherine back because of her, that I chose her. And that was not the right thing to say.”

“Why?”

“Because I already crushed her once, and she wants to be like Mom and Emerson…with men who love them so deeply, and I can’t give that to her. She’s totally right. She deserves someone who doesn’t still love someone else.”

Derek stayed quiet.

I didn’t even consider going back to Catherine, because if I did, there would be no chance to have Sicily, and she was the one I really wanted.

“I don’t agree with anything you said. Well, I don’t agree with anything she said.”

“Meaning?”

“One, Emerson and I didn’t just meet and then fall in love and everything was good. I was pretty much a dick the entire time. It was only when I lost her that I had this epiphany about my life, and then I was ready to get my shit together. I love Emerson more than life itself, would die for her in a heartbeat, but it wasn’t always like that. Love like that takes time. And then Dad and Mom had their problems too. I’m not exactly sure what they were, but they’ve both mentioned things to me about having their issues they had to overcome to be what they are now. So, Sicily’s focusing on the happily ever after but not everything that leads to that, which is only a small part of the journey.”