To Tempt a Scotsman (Somerhart 1)
Knuckles rapped hard on the door behind him and stirred her from her doze. She watched with wide eyes as he let the serving girl in, and they stared at each other over the girl's busy work.
"If you would bring my bag," Alex said as soon as the door closed again. "I have a spare dress."
"Of course."
She juggled the blankets around a little until he realized she wanted privacy and turned away. It stung to see her hide her body from him. She was not a modest woman. Had he given her that shame?
When she rose from the bed, he followed her lead and sat at the square table to eat roast duck and pudding. They both passed up tea for ale and drank in silence till the mugs were empty.
"Rebecca is gone," he finally spit out and could not tell by her frown if he'd begun well or not.
"Run off, you mean?"
"No, I turned her out. I came to see what you tried to tell me."
"Where will she go?"
"Somewhere she'll cause less trouble, I'd hope." The awful silence descended again. She did not appear moved by his gesture. "Let me be honest—"
"Please."
"I came to find you today, to apologize, to explain myself. I wanted to tell you that I understood, finally, why I'd been acting so . . . so . . ."
"Jealous?"
"No. More than that. I've been a brute and a coward. I've hidden my fears behind a mistrust of you. And I wanted to explain why."
Her eyes watched, giving nothing away. "Why?"
"Because I love you and it scares me to death."
Her mouth opened, closed. She breathed in. "Do not—"
"Wait. There is more. And I'll tell you the whole of it before I ask your forgiveness.
"I came to find you, to make amends. And when Danielle told me you'd gone, my first instinct was to suspect the worst."
"The worst?" Her words were thick now, and harsh. "You mean Fergus?"
"Yes." Collin wanted to look away from the hate darkening her eyes. "I came to offer a promise of trust, but given the first opportunity, I turned back to jealousy."
She tensed as if to leap up, so he rushed on. "I did not really believe I'd find you there, Alex. I didn't. It was more a terror that it could be so. It always has been."
"Of course you believed it." She stood and stalked to the window. Though he followed, he gave her the space she wanted.
"No. I have never truly thought you unfaithful or untrustworthy. I've just hidden behind that. I know this, because when I went to his home, when I saw him there in bed with a woman, I felt such disbelief that I could not even hate you. All I felt was shock and pain and the sureness that I was dying."
"But why, Collin? Why do you always suspect the worst of me? Only because of my past? Because I welcomed you to my bed?"
"No, Alex. God, no. Your past. . . If that were true then your maidenhead should have cured it. It's not you. I just. . ." You are better than me, he wanted to say. You will realize it someday. But his throat closed the words off and he could not force them out. His silence spun her around.
"What? What is it, if it's not my nature that gives you such fear of me?"
"It's . . . You did not choose me, Alexandra."
"What do you mean?"
Collin could feel his fingers shake as he shoved them through his hair. "This marriage was simply the least, of two evils for you. Me or another scandal. You would not have chosen me as a mate."