Marriage of Unconvenience

“What do you mean?”

She fiddled with the edge of her blanket, twisting and untwisting it.

“I’m not sure. I guess I’m just having this feeling that something has changed and I don’t know what it is, but it’s happening and I can’t stop it.” I still didn’t really know what she meant, but I kind of thought I did?

“Does it have to do with the money or school or anything?” I asked. I needed to narrow this down so I could figure out how to talk to her about it so we could fix it.

She shook her head.

“No, it’s me. I’m not explaining this right, but I don’t know how to explain it.” I was going to take a stab at this, and hopefully, some of my words would be right.

“People change, Care. We’re supposed to as we get older. And sometimes we hide things deep down inside about ourselves because we’re scared, or because we’ve been taught to be scared, and to lie to ourselves about who we are. Is that what you mean?”

She stared at me for a few seconds.

“Yes. I think so. I feel like I need to talk to someone.”

“You can talk to me about anything, you know that.” She gave me a sad smile.

“This time I think this is something I need to talk to a professional about. A therapist. I just... I need some help, Lo. I just need some help.” Now I was going to cry, both because she was hurting, and because I couldn’t do a fucking thing about it.

“Then you should. You do whatever you need to do, Care. I’m here for you and I’ll support you. Always and forever. I just want you to be happy and safe and to know I love you.” And there were the waterworks. I was all choked up and she was crying again.

“That means a lot. I wasn’t sure how to tell you. I’ve been feeling this way since before everything happened and I feel like now that so many things are going on, I need to get this figured out before I go to school. I don’t want to be distracted by anything when I’m trying to focus.” That made complete sense.

“That’s really smart. I’m proud of you, Care, for speaking up and realizing that you need some help. Everyone does at some point in their life, but not everyone is willing to say that they do. That takes a lot of courage.” I reached for the box of tissues, pulling out one for myself and handing the box to Cara.

“Is it just me, or have we cried way more since we got married than in the years before? It’s getting ridiculous at this point.” We both laughed and blew our noses.

“It’s like we turned on our emotional faucets and don’t know how to turn them off. I hope I’m not constantly crying through school in the fall. I can’t deal with that and exams.” I didn’t blame her. I was looking forward to having less emotional upheaval in my life. I wanted things to be boring and quiet. That sounded really nice.

I STARTED MY JOB THAT week, and I could tell I was really going to like it. Nothing stressful or hard, and I got to see all sorts of pretty art. Not too bad at all. I also met some of my coworkers and they were all ages and backgrounds, all sweet and helpful and interesting. No doubt I would get annoyed with them in a few months, but during training they were all ideal coworkers.

Cara called her doctor and got a referral to see a therapist. It still crushed me that I couldn’t help her on my own, but I was glad she had found someone who could.

The purse came for her and she screamed when she opened it.

“Are you mad?” I asked as she hugged the purse to her chest and twirled around the room.

“What?” she said, humming a waltz and dancing with the bag.

“Never mind,” I said, laughing. I think it was safe to say she loved the bag.

Our furniture came and the couch fit perfectly in our living room and ended up being just the right size. I had to admit, the other pieces that Cara had picked out really made the room look nice. Like two adults lived in it, and not just two broke college students who didn’t know how to decorate. I even asked for her help with my room, and upgraded my twin bed at last. I splurged on a fancy mattress and I’d had no idea how much of a difference a good mattress could make. My back stopped randomly spasming the same week the mattress came in and I didn’t think that was a coincidence.