Marriage of Unconvenience

“I’m not taking your book, Care, I’m saving you from dropping it on your face and getting the worst papercut ever.” She made a grumpy noise, but let me take the book, making sure that I held her place.

“Where’s your bookmark?” I asked, knowing that she had one. She handed it to me and I slid it into place and set the book on my nightstand.

“Let’s go to sleep,” I said.

She yawned so big I heard her jaw pop.

“Okay,” she mumbled and snuggled further under the covers. I set my e-reader aside and turned the lights out.

“Goodnight, Care,” I said, brushing the top of her head.

She mumbled something back that I figured was her saying goodnight as well.

I turned on my side, closed my eyes and waited for sleep to come.

Twenty

Sleep was elusive again. Every time I tried to share a bed with Cara, my sleep button malfunctioned. What was up with that? It was incredibly frustrating.

I tossed and turned, hoping I wouldn’t wake Cara with my fussing. I couldn’t find a position where my body was comfortable, no matter what. I kind of gave up on trying to sleep, hoping that I could trick my brain with reverse psychology.

I started trying to remember song lyrics from when I was young, which was one of my favorite things to do when I couldn’t sleep. I was working on the lyrics to one particular song when I felt Cara wake up beside me.

I froze and tried to calm my breathing so she would think I was asleep. She made some noises and got up to use the bathroom. I calmed my face and willed my body to act like it was in sleep mode. I didn’t know why I was pretending. What did it matter?

Cara came back and lay back down, sighing. I expected her to go right back to sleep, but I could feel her restless energy beside me. Now she was the one tossing and turning. I heard her softly swear.

“Are you awake?” she whispered, touching my shoulder. I cracked my eyes open.

“Sort of,” I said, my voice rough.

“Can’t sleep?” she asked. I shook my head.

“Me neither.” She groaned.

“You were sleepy earlier,” I said.

“I know, but now I’m not. My brain won’t stop thinking about things.”

I turned on my side to face her.

“What kind of things?”

She stared at the ceiling.

“I can’t tell you.”

Here we go again.

“Then I can’t really help you, Cara.” It was late, I was tired, and I couldn’t sleep. My patience was wearing thin.

“Fine,” she said, as if she’d come to some sort of decision.

Suddenly, both her hands were on my face and she was Right. There.

“What are you doing?” My brain skidded to a halt, and I couldn’t even breathe.

“Showing you what I’m thinking about, since I can’t find the right words.”

I made some sputtering noises, like a car that wouldn’t start. I still couldn’t figure out what the fuck was going on.

Her face inched closer to mine and it finally clicked.

Was she going to kiss me?

“Tell me to stop and I will,” she said, her lips so close that I could smell the toothpaste on her breath and feel the warmth from her skin.

I couldn’t form the words. I didn’t want Cara to kiss me. Right?

I shouldn’t want my best friend, who was definitely heterosexual, to kiss me. Was this a fucking dream, because it was a confusing one.

I tried to open my mouth and tell her not to kiss me. The words wouldn’t come. I couldn’t say them. Mostly because they weren’t true.

It was as if I’d been hit by a truck full of realizations and was drowning in them. I started shaking and Cara was none-too-steady.

“Tell me if you want me to stop,” she said again, but I shook my head.

“What does that mean? That you want me to stop?” I shook my head again.

“You want me to...” she trailed off and I nodded. Once. She let out a shaky breath. Her fingers trembled on my cheeks.

I was strung so tight, I thought I might snap in two if she didn’t do something right fucking now.

She stopped with her lips almost exactly pressed to mine. I could barely feel them and that pissed me off. If she was going to kiss me, she might as well kiss me. I didn’t know why she was kissing me, or what it meant, but right now it didn’t matter. All that mattered was her mouth touching mine.