Beauty Queens

BETSY ROSS

How could I make a flag, sir, when I seem to have run out of thread?

VO, CONT’D.

She gave it all for her country — and then she gave just a little more.

Watch the show critics say “makes American history totally hot… . It takes some of the most important women of the Revolutionary War and turns them into hellcats who fight the British with everything they’ve got — and then some.”

Followed by the season premiere of CAPTAINS BODACIOUS IV: BADDER AND MORE BODACIOUSER.

(Several hunky, shirtless young men in breeches, earrings, and very little else stand on a large ship. There seems to be a feeling of mutiny in the air.)

PIRATE CHU

Cor blimey, Cap’n Sinjin! We ran away from prep school for this?

CAPTAIN SINJIN

Might I remind you that we witnessed a murder and were forced to go on the run? Believe me, I’d rather be studying for my chem final than running from barmy terrorist blokes who want to kill us just because we know too much.

PIRATE AHMED

Captain! Starboard — look!

(Captain Sinjin puts a small telescope to his eye. When he pulls it away, his expression is one of teen heartthrob alarm. His hair is still perfect.)

CAPTAIN SINJIN

Gentlemen, we may get a battle yet.

FIRST MATE GEORGE

Should we oil our pecs, sir, so that we’ll look fantastic during the fight scenes?

CAPTAIN SINJIN

Indeed. Gentlemen! Glisten up those pecs! And if you’ve got any hair gel for making tousled waves, now’s the time to use it! We stand and fight. But we stand and fight with hotness on our side.

VOICEOVER

PATRIOT DAUGHTERS. Tuesdays at 8. CAPTAINS BODACIOUS IV: BADDER AND MORE BODACIOUSER at 9. Followed by a special encore performance of CAPTAINS BODACIOUS III: THE CALL OF BOOTY at 10. Only on The Corporation Network: Giving you what you don’t even know you want.

MISS TEEN DREAM FUN FACTS PAGE!

Please fill in the following information and return to Jessie Jane, Miss Teen Dream Pageant administrative assistant, before Monday. Remember, this is a chance for the judges and the audience to get to know YOU. So make it interesting and fun, but please be appropriate. And don’t forget to mention something you love about our sponsor, The Corporation!

Name: Sosie Simmons

State: Miss Illinois

Age:16

Height: 5’ 6”

Weight: 118 lbs

Hair: Strawberry blond