Alpha Erased (Alpha Girl 9)

“If you think that it’s because of my accident, you’d be wrong. I was already a year into my degree when that happened. I just find it fascinating to understand how the mind works.” I handed him the dish, but he was just standing there, watching me. “And once I’m done, I’ll be able to help people. Which also seems good. I want to be useful.”

He took the dish, but stood still, staring at me. “You don’t feel useful right now?”

Why did I tell him that?

And then it hit me. I knew why I had the headache earlier and why I was spilling my guts now to these people.

I’d forgotten to take my meds today.

And I was sure they didn’t give me any while I was in the hospital. It wasn’t like they could just order them up. That meant I was at least five doses behind today. Add in six from yesterday, and one from the night before…

I never ever got that behind, but with the hospital stay—and then rushing out to take my test—apparently, I’d forgotten.

Mother was going to be so pissed. There was no way I was going to tell her. There was nothing left to do but catch up. I’d take my next dose as soon as I got back to my apartment.

“Why don’t you feel useful?” he asked me again.

“Oh, I mostly feel like a waste of space, and Mother hates that I’m going to school.” I tried to say the words like they didn’t matter, like I didn’t care. But that was a lie. I totally cared. “She thinks I should be in a mental institution.”

God. I shouldn’t have said that either. What was wrong with me tonight?

The plate in Dastien’s hands slipped from his fingers and broke into a million pieces when it hit the floor.

“It’s okay.” Breaking a plate wasn’t that big of a deal. “I can clean that up.” And it would give me a break from giving him way too much information about myself.

I turned off the water, dropped into a squat, and started picking up all the big pieces first.

Dastien let out a long breath and then lowered next to me. “Why would she want you in an institution?”

I really shouldn’t have brought that up. I wouldn’t normally, but I was off my meds and something about Dastien was soothing. I wasn’t sure if it was because he was so big and quiet, or if it was the way he watched me, or something else, but I felt like I could tell him anything. But I shouldn’t. I knew I shouldn’t, especially when I didn’t want him to think I was crazy.

“It’s not what you think—it’s not an institution like you’d see on TV that are like jails and gross and dirty. I wouldn’t have to wear pajamas all day or get herded to and from my room. No orderlies are running around there, tackling patients in the halls and stabbing them with needles.”

He huffed a laugh. “That’s not so bad then.”

“It’s really not.” I glanced up at him for a second, but I couldn’t hold his gaze. Something about the way he was staring at me was too much. Too intense. Too raw.

I cleared my throat and went back to picking up the last of the larger pieces. “It’s really this gorgeous mansion in the country. There are all kinds of classes—yoga, art, literature. They don’t allow a lot of patients in, and all of them are high functioning, like me. It’s almost like a luxury retreat, but with on-site support.”

I dumped the pieces into the trash and grabbed a piece of paper towel to gather up the smaller bits of the plate. “I was being overly dramatic. Since my accident, Mother doesn’t want to worry about me. It would be easier for everyone—mostly her—if I would just agree to live in a home. That way, she could keep constant tabs on me.”

“So, a little like a jail.”

I laughed. “I guess.” I threw the smaller bits into the trash and got back to rinsing the dishes. “I lost it a while ago, and I ran away. I had this obsessive urge to climb a mountain. Like I needed to get there or someone would die. It was stupid, but I just get the feeling sometimes that I’m living a lie. Sometimes that feeling overwhelms me. When Mother found me, it wasn’t pretty. Ever since then, she’s really wanted me in the institution, but the doctors adjusted my meds, and I’m feeling better now.”

“Meds?” His hands were clenched in tight fists. He probably thought I was going to freak out on him.

Oh man. If there was a chance that he liked me, it was probably long gone now. Telling him my mother wanted me institutionalized and that I was on meds was a massive error.

I rinsed another dish and held it out for him. He grabbed the plate, and I reached for the next. “My meds are holistic. They’re not prescriptions you can fill at any pharmacy. They’re all herbal made specifically for me by my doctor.”

“Herbal? Made for you?” There was a snap, and I looked up at him.

He was holding a dish in his hands, but it had snapped in two.

His jaw was clenched and twitching, and he was gripping the two pieces of the plate so tight that his hands were shaking. If I didn’t know better, I would’ve thought he was angry about something.

I took the plate from him and threw it into the trash. “Wow. You have some grip.” I was trying to lighten the mood, but it didn’t work. At all.