The Book of Manuals

21. Keep up with fashion, even if the clothes are ridiculous and uncomfortable.

22. Believe that all famous people have tons of cash stashed away.

23. Invest time and money in outer beauty and pay scant attention to inner beauty.

24. Do everything you can to show that, although you are a normal person, you are infinitely superior to other human beings.

25. When travelling on public transport, never catch the eye of another passenger, in case he or she thinks you’re flirting.

26. When you get into a lift, stand facing the door and pretend that you’re the only person there, however crowded it is.

27. Never laugh out loud in a restaurant, however funny the joke.

28. In the northern hemisphere, always dress according to the season: bare arms in spring (regardless of how cold it is) and woollen jacket in the autumn (regardless of how warm it is).

29. In the southern hemisphere, deck the tree with fake snow, even though winter has nothing to do with the birth of Christ.

30. As you grow older, believe that you possess all the world’s wisdom, even though you haven’t necessarily lived enough to know what’s right and wrong.

31. Go to a charity tea party and think that you have thereby done enough to abolish social inequality in the world.

32. Eat three times a day, even if you’re not hungry.

33. Believe that everyone else is better than you – better-looking, more capable, richer, more intelligent. It’s very dangerous to go beyond your own limits, best do nothing.

34. Use your car as a way of feeling powerful and master of the universe.

35. Swear at the traffic.

36. Believe that whenever your son does something wrong it’s because of the company he keeps.

37. Marry the first person who offers you a good position

in society. Love can wait.

38. Always say ‘I tried’, even when you haven’t tried at all.

39. Postpone experiencing the most interesting things in life until you’re too weak and tired to do so.

40. Fend off depression with long daily doses of television.

41. Believe that it’s possible to be sure of everything you’ve achieved.

42. Believe that women don’t like football and that men don’t like interior design.

43. Blame the government for everything that goes wrong.

44. Believe that being a good, decent, respectful person means that others will think you weak, vulnerable and easily manipulated.

45. Be equally convinced that treating other people rudely and aggressively is synonymous with having a powerful personality.

46. Be afraid of a fibroscopy (men) and childbirth (women).

47. Finally: believe that your religion is the one absolute truth and that anyone else on this vast planet who believes in some other manifestation of God deserves to be condemned to the fires of hell.

Manual for climbing mountains

1. Choose the mountain you want to climb: Don’t be influenced by what other people say: ‘that one’s prettier’ or ‘that one looks easier’.You are going to put a lot of energy and enthusiasm into achieving your objective, and you are the only person responsible for your choice, so be quite sure about what you are doing.