Finding Solace

Although I can’t remember exactly when Cole first talked to me about Jason leaving, I can recall some of what he’d said.

“I’m sure you know what guys are like, Delilah. He’s leaving this town—you, me, Billy—and moving on.” He reaches over and rubs my shoulder, consoling me. I’m not even sure what he’s talking about, which worries me more. Is Jason keeping secrets?

My hands tighten around the handles of my cheerleading bag, and I look toward the stadium tunnel that leads to the locker rooms. Jason is long gone, the coach calling him in to talk. Is it about leaving? Leaving school? Leaving me?

As I worry my lip, he continues, “He’s kept you on a string, someone to come back to when he wants you.” He runs his hands through his sweaty hair. When he looks back at me, it’s a look of excitement . . . like lust? Surely not. I’ve seen this look before but dismissed it as nothing since I’m with his best friend.

“I’m sick of the rumors I’ve heard about him when he’s visiting State’s campus. Rumors about him and other girls. You deserve better. Why do you put up with that?” he says.

I remember doubting Cole, thinking that wasn’t the Jason Koster I knew and loved. But each time Cole looked at me with sympathy and held me as if to comfort me, I started to believe him. But was it true?

No.

That wasn’t Jason at all. But somehow, I felt more confusion when I didn’t hear what Jason had to talk to the coach about, or why he suddenly had to stay after practice a few times for meetings.

Was Jason lying to me or waiting to tell me what he considered good news? I know now, but I wish I had known then.

At my weakest, Cole pursued me. He’d turn up every day to spend time with me, to help a friend he’d said. And when I saw Jason at Red River just before he left again for college, I didn’t know how to understand the look in his eyes. He’d looked angry with me and definitely with Cole. But I remember what I felt that night. I’d been just as angry. By then, Cole had told me story after story of all the women Jason had been with on every visit to other campuses. He’d told me about the many crude jokes he’d heard Jason say about me when out drinking with the guys.

Were they all lies? And if so, why had I been so stupid and naïve to believe him?

Because I’d been devastated. I’d believed he was leaving me and heading off to his world, a world I had no place in.

“Cole was a force to be reckoned with. He played upon my insecurities until I couldn’t see anything beyond the lies he was feeding me. I owe Jason an apology.” My swallow is heavy like my heart as I think about how I hurt him.

Sitting up, Lorraine pats my back. “If I still know Jason at all, I have a feeling he doesn’t want or need an apology.”

“What does he want?”

“The same thing he always needed. You.”

“Can I be what he needs, what he deserves now? Am I stronger?” After last night, I think I am.

“Strength is found in the ashes of the fire. You’ve been burned, but you must rise because there’s so much life ahead of you to live. Wouldn’t it be nice to share that life with someone who cares for you so deeply?”

Pushing off the concrete steps, she takes the watering can from me in one hand. With her other, she covers her chest. “Trust what’s in here, Delilah.” Then she adds, “Paul is in the back quarter if you’re looking for him,” before she disappears behind the house.

Lorraine has never needed to fill her days with a lot of chatter. I think the love she feels for life is fulfilling enough. Her thoughts aren’t veiled. She always makes her views heard.

I screwed up four years ago, and it cost me the future I once dreamed of. I won’t make that mistake again. I stand and head for the field to find Paul and get an update on the farm.

Freshly showered after a long day of hard work, I’m baking with my robe on. I put the cobbler in the oven and return to the bedroom to get ready. I’ve timed things perfectly and am dressed when the timer goes off. Dashing into the kitchen, I hit the button to turn it off and set the cobbler on the stovetop while I gather my purse and slip on my shoes.

With one final once-over in the mirror and a big smile in place, I’m ready to go. My shoes clack against the hardwood floors, making me wonder how long it’s been since I wore heels of any sort. A while. When I turn the corner, my feet halt under the arch in the kitchen.