Finding Solace

I refuse to cry, despite the lump forming in my throat. He’s not worth shedding another tear over. The plate, yes, but there’s no point. I pick up the pieces carelessly and upset, but don’t see a sharp edge, which catches my finger. “Ow.” Blood pools at the tip, and when I look down, it’s deep enough for me to worry. Fuck. Fuck him. Why does he cause me so much pain? Why does he hate me so much?

Holding my finger under cold water, I let the blood run down the drain and then wrap it in a paper towel. Taking a moment that I know will make me late, I bandage the cut.

And that’s when the anger takes over, dominating every other emotion as I grab my keys again to leave.

Anger that he thinks he can come into my home.

Anger that he thinks he can tell me what to do.

Anger that he broke something precious to me.

Anger that at one time, he broke me, and I’m still putting the pieces back together.

Anger that I believed his lies.

Anger that I have nothing to offer Jason and his mother tonight.

Anger that I’m not stronger.

My head throbs with the memories of being bent, my body curled over itself as my blood puddled on the bathroom floor.

My naked body shakes uncontrollably as my mind returns to reality. This is my life; the life Cole allows me to live—bruised with fear owning my thoughts and now my body. Not again. I will never let him do this to me again. I push off the floor and avoid the mirror as I crawl through the house.

Cole left. “Going drinkin’,” he’d said.

I pull my purse from the kitchen counter, the contents falling onto the floor, including my phone. Scrambling for it, I dial the only number I know will keep this secret.

“Are you calling me about the hash brown casserole?” He laughs. “You know I love your home cooking.”

“Billy?”

The laughter is gone from his voice in response to hearing mine. “Delilah? What’s wrong?”

“I need help.”

Billy bought me a gun, but can I use it? Will I?

I didn’t even remember I had it tonight when confronted by that monster. What good will that do me? I go to the side table in the living room and open the drawer. This time, I load the bullets, one by one until all five chambers are full. I don’t touch the safety. I don’t like guns and had hidden my dad’s shotgun in the bedroom closet after he died. I know how to shoot, but I hope I don’t have to.

I’m much calmer and run my hand over my hair, making sure it’s still in place. It’s a silly concern after what just happened, but I need to focus on taking one breath after the other and slowly pulling myself back together.

With a clearer head, I think about grabbing something pre-made at the market, but I’m already running late, so I go empty-handed and hope I’m enough.

Meredith opens the door before I have a chance to knock. “Delilah, I’m so glad you’re here.”

We hug, and then she brings me inside, but I’m quick to pull my hand back when pain shoots through it.

“Oh no, what happened?” she asks.

“A little accident in the kitchen. I’ll be fine.”

“Of course, I worry, but it looks like you did a good job of wrapping it. Jason’s grilling out back. Hope you’re hungry. He bought a ton of food today. I think he’s trying to impress you.”

He already has, but his mother doesn’t need to hear me go on about her son. I smile when I see him. “Starved. I’m sorry I don’t have dessert like I promised. I burned it.”

In the kitchen, she pulls out a bottle of white wine and holds it up. “I don’t need the calories anyway. But that’s not like you to burn food. You’re such a good cook. Everything okay?”

“Just busy.” I hate lying. I really hate lying to her. She’s been so good to me, but Jason will lose it if he finds out that Cole was there. “I was distracted getting ready and didn’t hear the timer go off.”

“No worries, dear.” She hands me a glass of wine. “You look very pretty. I know Jason is happy you’ll be here tonight, but I am, too.”

“Can I help with anything?”

“Absolutely not. You head on out and enjoy the evening. The lightning bugs are out tonight. There’s something so magical about them.”

“Something so small but powerful enough to shine light through the dark is magical indeed.” I open the back door. “Call me if you need anything,” I add.

“Go entertain my son. I’m almost done in here.”

Giggling, I shut the door behind me and whistle at him. When he looks up, he says, “Are you catcalling my meat?”

“You’ve got the best-looking meat around.”