Finding Solace
“We didn’t survive last time, honeysuckle. What makes you think this time will be different?”
“Because we’re different. We’ve seen what life is like without each other, and it’s not pretty. We only get blue skies when we’re together.”
“I don’t understand what you want from me.”
“That’s just it, Jason. It sounds like everyone has wanted something from you. They’ve trained you to believe that no one can be trusted. Whoever they are did quite the job on you, and for what? Their benefit or yours?”
“It’s not like that.”
“Then tell me what it’s like because our memories may bind us, but it’s who we are now that will carry us forward. And I want that, Jason. I want to move forward with you.” She slips a little dress over her head. It’s ill-fitting, hiding the shape of her body, but she still looks so gorgeous.
The gravity of this conversation strikes my heart when I see the depth of concern for my soul residing in her eyes. “This is hard to process,” she says. “I’m trying to understand what would turn the man I used to know into somebody who could harm someone, instead of saving him.”
“Save him?” I walk to the end of the dock and spin the hat around. When I turn around, she’s on the other end, and once again, I feel the distance between us. “You’re not understanding. This is not a man you can save by taking him to church or introducing him to the Bible. This was a monster that would hurt you if it hurt me. He killed an innocent kid just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. A kid who came to help out his friend. He was shot without a chance to plead for his life. Killed only to hurt other people.”
This is the most I’ve talked in forever, and it’s taking a toll. My patience is gone. I shouldn’t have to justify what I’ve done, but I will because it’s her. “I needed money. I came off the ships in Alaska and was robbed, gun to my head, by one of the other crewmembers. I thought I was going to die.” I scoff, shaking my head as I scan the horizon. “We didn’t get along on the boat. He taunted me the whole time, calling me too good-looking to be working a real man’s job and accused me of being pampered in life. First night off the boat, we walked to the closest brothel. We got drunk. So fucking drunk.” I don’t turn back because her silence is telling. Fuck it. She wants to hear the ugly side of my life, so I give it to her in the details she’s seeking. “I left when the guys started going to the back with the girls. I made it outside to the alley before I was hit from behind and knocked to my knees. Ten thousand stolen right from my jacket pocket with the barrel of a gun pressed to my head.”
“Oh, Jason,” she says. I need to see her reaction, so I finally brace myself for the expected disgust. But that’s not what I get. Sympathy is woven into the lines of her expression. That’s not what I want.
No one has ever loved me the way she has. I can’t lose her—not again—and that gives me the strength I need. “I will tell you anything you want to know. I just don’t want to lose you in the process.”
“I don’t either, but I can’t handle secrets. Tell me what happened.”
“They said, ‘Say a prayer, pretty boy.’” But what I thought were the last words I’d ever hear didn’t bother me. Neither did the money. I didn’t care about anything at that moment because all I could think of was how I would never get to see you again and tell you how much I loved you. So tell me what can I say that will keep you here, and by here, I mean in my arms at night and waking up to you in the morning? I want to talk about our day in the evenings and swim in the lake at noon. I want you. I want this life with you. I want whatever life you want, Delilah. I just want you in mine. Any part of you that you’re willing to give, I’ll take like a greedy thief in the night.”
She runs into my arms, wrapping her body around mine. Her tears run down my bare chest, and I embrace her fully, never wanting to let her go. “I love you. I love you so much.” When her blue eyes look into mine, she asks, “Why didn’t you come back for me?”
“Because the next day, I called my mom and found out you were getting married before I could catch a flight. I was too fucking hurt. Too angry. Too disappointed. I’d lost you, Delilah. You were no longer mine. And my heart broke that day.”