Dear Heart, I Hate You

“It wouldn’t even be your fault. It would be mine,” I said, trying to explain.

“What do you mean?”

I turned to face him, mirroring his position, hoping my words would make sense and wouldn’t make him run like hell out of his own room.

“It’s just that I’d want to see you again if we did something like that. And I wouldn’t be able to not feel that way about it, you know? Sex isn’t just something I do. I consider it really intimate and personal.”

Why did I feel the need to explain myself to Cal? Maybe it was my hope that he would understand my heart better, even though we’d just met. Or maybe it was because I believed people tended to give themselves to each other too easily these days, without thought or hesitation, and I couldn’t bring myself to be so cavalier about it.

When a woman has sex, we allow a man inside us, allow them to take a piece of us with them forever. Having sex means that a guy enters us, pushes their way into our bodies and becomes a part of us, an extension of us. We don’t enter men; we don’t invade them. Instead, we welcome them inside us and cover them, hold them, surround them with our softest, most private parts. There was something extremely personal about letting someone inside you that way, being vulnerable to them like that.

And it scared me to do that with someone I’d just met.

“So you’re saying you want me to book a flight to LA right now? If I plan on seeing you again, we can have sex tonight?” Cal sat up and pulled his phone from his back pocket and opened a travel app.

“Oh my gosh, stop it,” I said, swatting him on the shoulder.

“I’m not joking, Jules. Hell, I’ll book two separate trips. Say the word.”

“Stop,” I said again with a giggle, but I didn’t really want him to stop. If he wanted to book a hundred trips to see me after tonight, I’d encourage it.

“Okay,” he said with a grin, “but remember that I tried to see you again.” His mouth moved to mine, kissing me long and hard before pulling away. “And you wouldn’t let me.”

“Cal, if you want to come out and visit after I leave here, I won’t be the one to stop you. And I’ll definitely have sex with you then.”

And I meant it. Not having sex when we’d just met was one thing, but if I saw Cal again after tonight, I’d totally give myself to him. Because that would mean that we’d kept in touch after this night. And hell yeah, that earned him a little hot sex. Which meant it earned me sex too.

“I can’t wait to see you again,” he said, making me smile. “I love everything about you, Jules. There isn’t a single thing I don’t like.”

I wondered how much of that was the bourbon talking, considering I’d watched him down a few glasses.

“We just met, Cal; of course you love everything about me. Get back to me in a few months.”

“Deal,” he said before his lips met mine.

Just Having Fun

Cal

Hell, if Jules had called my bluff, asked me to actually book a flight out to see her so we could have sex tonight, I would have done it. I was that caught up in the moment. Or maybe it was just her that I was that caught up in.

Ridding myself of that fantasy, I crash-landed back into reality. It was a hard fall, but I needed it. I had two more days to spend time with Jules, and I planned on doing exactly that. Two more days and then we’d never see each other again. Which sort of sucked, but it was what it was. She lived in Los Angeles and I lived in Boston; there was no future for us. But that didn’t mean that I couldn’t enjoy her while she was here.

Jules stopping us tonight from having sex had been pretty respectable. I wouldn’t have thought any less of her if we had done it, but had to admire the fact that she knew herself well enough to know what she could and couldn’t handle emotionally. Most people generally didn’t have that level of self-awareness, myself included at times.

Plus, the last thing I needed was to sleep with someone and have her go all crazy psycho on me. Been there; done that. And it wasn’t fun. Hence, my timeline. It saved me from all sorts of potential drama.

I lay back down and reached for Jules. “Come here.” Wrapping my hand around her waist, I pulled her against me, and she lay her head on my chest as I ran my fingers through her hair. “Wanna just talk a bit?”

Her head lifted slightly. “Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

“Only if said talking has kissing involved.” She looked up at me and ran her thumb along my bottom lip. “These things right here, they do something to me.” She pressed her lips to mine before her tongue swept across them, teasing me.

“You don’t play fair.”

She smiled before moving her head back to my chest. “I know. I can’t help it. Those lips. They’ll be my ruin.”