Dear Heart, I Hate You

My mind spun. It was crazy how quickly I’d grown accustomed to Jules occupying my thoughts. At first, I’d tried to resist it, but I soon realized it was a battle I was never going to win. Thoughts of her moved right on in, unpacked, and made themselves at home.

When I dropped her off at the airport all those weeks ago, the idea of seeing her again seemed ridiculous. Hell, I honestly never thought we’d be talking every single day the way we were. Now I couldn’t imagine not talking to her. She’d become part of my daily routine, easily the best part.

But I was going crazy only talking to her and not seeing her. What I had initially thought was a fun weekend fling had somehow turned into more, and I wasn’t exactly sure when that had happened.

I wanted to see Jules again. No, I needed to see her again. I found myself longing to touch her. Thoughts like that would normally make me feel like a fool, but I didn’t feel foolish when it came to Jules. It was as if my primal desire for her superseded any other emotion I might normally experience. All I thought about was how much I needed her in my arms again.

I drew in a long breath through my nose before exhaling slowly, watching Lucas for his reaction. “I was thinking about going out there to see her. Do you think it’s a stupid idea?”

“Why would I tell you that’s a stupid idea?” He gave me a look that clearly said you’re an idiot. “I’ve been waiting for you to say it since she left.”

“Be serious for once,” I growled out.

Cocking his head, he studied me. “I am. You’re just being stubborn.”

“You’re not helping.”

“Helping? What do you want me to help with? Looks like you’ve got this covered. You want to go see her, so go. She probably wants to see you too.” He dusted his hands off as if brushing away any concern, and said, “My work here is done.”

“You’re sure it’s not a dumb idea?” I asked again, giving him one more chance to talk me out of it.

Lucas clapped me on the shoulder and gave it a shake. “It’s not a dumb idea. It’s the best idea you’ve had since she left. Go see your girl. I’ve got work to do. We can talk about this more later.” Hooking his thumbs in his belt loops, he practically swaggered back to his cubicle, apparently pretty damn pleased with himself.

&n

bsp; I leaned back in my chair and smiled, deciding I’d talk to Jules about it tonight. I hoped she would want to see me again as much as I did her, but she hadn’t mentioned it.

Did that mean she didn’t? I supposed I’d find out later when I talked to her if flying to LA was a good idea or the stupidest one I’d had lately.

• • •

The day dragged on, especially after the stock market closed with shitty returns. Clients always freaked out when the market took a nosedive, and I spent the majority of the late afternoon calming them down and reminding them that selling off their stocks now would only lose them more money in the long run. It was much smarter for them to hold on and wait for the market to come back up. It always rebounded, eventually. It might take years, but the majority of my clientele had that kind of time. They simply needed to be reminded of it.

When I closed out my e-mail and shut down my computer, I stood up and noticed Lucas was still in the office and on the phone. I walked over to his cubicle and waited for him to end the call, thankful that that nosy prick Jeremy had already left for the day.

Lucas hung up and spun toward me in his chair. “You’re not second-guessing the trip idea, are you?”

Sometimes it was helpful how well my best friend knew me. Other times, like now, it was simply annoying.

“Maybe,” I said, sitting on the edge of his desk the way he always did mine. “I’m not sure. What’s the point of going to see her?”

My brain had been working overtime all afternoon. Was I being foolish for giving my heart what it so clearly wanted when my head knew there was no future in it? Was I setting us up for an inevitable fall?

Lucas frowned at me. “What do you mean, what’s the point?”

“She’s there,” I said, throwing out one arm and then the other. “I’m here. Maybe going out there and seeing her again would just complicate things.”

“It’s already complicated,” he said with a snort. “You’re just pretending it isn’t.”

Lucas had a point, but I didn’t want to admit it. I thought about denying it, but he’d see through my bullshit anyway. He always had.

Pushing aside what he’d just said, I blurted, “Just tell me if I’m being an idiot.”

“No, you’re being a romantic for once. You’re practically in a relationship with the girl already, but you can’t see it. Or won’t admit it.”

Dropping my head in my hand, I closed my eyes and groaned. “We’re not in a relationship.”

“You are. And to be honest, it’s perfect for you.”