Dear Heart, I Hate You

He groaned, and I saw him lean back in his chair and cup his free hand behind his neck. “I know what you’re doing. Don’t sabotage this, Cal. I’ve never seen you this happy.”

“I’m not sabotaging anything. I’m looking at things realistically, which is more than I can say for you.”

“Me? This isn’t my relationship.”

“Yeah, but you’re acting like it’s totally normal, and we’ll live happily ever after at some point.”

“Why can’t you?” he asked, and I wanted to hit him over the head with something hard.

“Because we don’t live in the same state!” I growled out, then lowered my voice, trying to maintain the composure that I was slowly losing. “And we never will. It’s the same issues that have been there since day one. Nothing’s changed.”

“Except your feelings,” Luc pointed out, and I bristled.

“Those don’t matter. It’s not about that.”

“Why not? You’re not a robot. I know you have a heart in that chest of yours somewhere.”

“I’m just saying that regardless of how I feel about Jules, nothing changes the facts of our situation. It’s pretty black and white. She’s there and I’m here. That’s never changing, so our feelings don’t do anything except make this situation worse. It’s wrong to keep this up. We’re not being rational.”

Lucas’s other line rang. “I have to take that. I’m not done talking about this with you. Don’t do anything stupid,” he warned before hanging up.

I definitely hadn’t thought this whole thing with Jules through properly. I didn’t even weigh the consequences of what my going out there might do. For once in my life, I’d been impulsive, and I was all messed up over it.

I had to stop this. My focus needed to be trained on one thing and one thing only, and hers needed to be as well. Our situation wasn’t good for either of us—surely she had to know that too.

Lucas walked past my desk and signaled for me to follow him. Sighing, I got up and trudged after him.

“Tell me what the problem is again,” he asked once we were alone in a conference room.

“We’re living in a damn fairy tale. This isn’t some movie where things work out in the end. I’m not moving to California and she’s not moving here, so what the hell are we even doing?” I started pacing, chewing on my thumb.

“Why can’t you just enjoy each other and see where it goes?”

“Because I can’t stop thinking about her. She’s all fucking consuming.”

“That’s not a bad thing, man,” he said, and then sucked in a little gasp. “You’re falling in love with her

.”

“Shut up.”

“You are.”

“I’m not,” I argued, even though I damn well was, and that was the biggest problem of all. I couldn’t be in love with someone I had no future with. That was beyond idiotic, and I’d always prided myself on being smarter than that.

Lucas rolled his eyes. “Okay, let’s pretend that you’re not. Didn’t you have a good time when you were there?”

Memories of our night in Hollywood and spending time at her apartment flashed through my mind. I hadn’t just had a good time with her; I’d had the best time.

“It was almost perfect.”

“Then don’t throw it away because you don’t have it all mapped out.”

“It’s not about mapping it out, Lucas. You’re not listening to me.” Damn if I’d let him turn this into some Hallmark movie with a happy ending. “I’m trying to be realistic, and what we’re doing isn’t. There’s no future with us. The longer we drag this out, the worse it will be for both of us.”

Lucas crossed his arms over his chest and gave me a pointed look. “I think it’s a little late for that, don’t you? If you’re this torn up about things, how the hell do you think she feels?”

His words hit me like a sledgehammer to the gut as all the air escaped me. “That’s what I’m talking about, though. Stopping it before it goes any further is the best thing for both of us. I’m not just thinking about me here. I’m thinking about Jules as well.”