Forever Changed

I didn’t say anything, but reached out and grabbed her hand like I used to do when I was little. I laid my head on her shoulder, thankful to have her acting normal again.

“I’ve missed this,” she said, giving me a kiss on top of the head.

“Me too.”

“So, tell me. What’s going on with your friends.”

“There’s nothing to tell,” I said, moving back to my side of the couch. “What did Brenda have to say about Megan’s muteness?” I asked, changing the subject not so subtly.

She shot me her trademark you’re not fooling me Mom look, but gave me my space. “We really didn’t talk about it. She tried to engage Megan into the conversation in the beginning, but backed off when Megan began to retreat. Toward the end of the session, Megan was at least making eye contact,” she said, running her thumb up and down the handle of her coffee mug. “I just let everything get out of control,” she said, sighing deeply. “I don’t even like to think about what my poor baby had to endure during the accident.”

Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought I had acknowledged what Megan went through long ago. After all, I was the one that held her hand while they casted her arm. I was the one that had to remove the bloody leotard she had been wearing while trying not to dwell on the source of the blood. I had assumed the source of Megan’s silence was the fact that my father had died, not that she was forced to remain in the car with him until help came.

I stood up abruptly, not wanting to think about it. “I have to go to bed,” I said, trying to ignore the hurt look on Mom's face. I felt guilty, but I couldn’t handle thinking about the last moments of my father’s life without being riddled with guilt. I had been such a bitch to both of them that morning. Snipping at Megan for kicking my seat and snapping at my dad for not buying me the car I wanted.

I was the one that deserved to be punished. It should have been me that died in the car accident.

***

I got out of bed the next morning grumpy from another night with little sleep. I had woken up around 1:00 am, drenched in sweat from a nightmare of being in the car with Megan and my dad during the accident. In the dream, I had been pinned against the dashboard and I was forced to watch helplessly as my father turned to me with blood streaming down his face. “Help me,” he said as I watched him slowly drift away. I reached over to help him, but the scene changed and I was no longer pinned in the car. Instead, I stood on the side of the road, watching as their car was driven off the road. I turned in horror to the stranger beside me, pleading for help to save them, but saw that the stranger was Maddon. He watched me with the same hurt expression he had worn when I screamed at him at school. “This is our fault,” he said, just before I jerked awake.

I tried in vain to go back to sleep, but the look in his eyes haunted me. I couldn’t help feeling a stir of something other than anger when I thought of him. I tried to dredge up the previous anger I felt, but all I could think about was how defeated he looked when I had screamed at him.

I was still awake when the sun came up, and I dragged myself down the stairs, wearing my favorite jeans that had been washed so many times that sections of the jeans consisted of thin strands.

“You okay?” my mom asked as I stumbled toward the coffee pot, wishing someone would invent a caffeine IV drip for occasions such as this.

“Bad dream,” I mumbled, grabbing the flavored cream I preferred out of the refrigerator.

“You want to talk about it?” she asked in her normal inquisitive way.

“No,” I said shortly, cringing at the thought of ever telling her.

“Okay, well, if you're sure,” she added, looking hurt.

“It was nothing,” I said, trying to smooth it over. “Hey, Peanut, are those pancakes with peanut butter?” I asked, looking at the stack of pancakes on her plate.

She nodded happily as she scooped a big bite into her mouth.

“Your favorite,” I said smiling at her.

“Do you want me to whip you up a batch, too?” Mom asked.

“Sure,” I answered, surprising us both. Before my dad died, I had always watched every calorie that made its way between my lips. My cheerleading uniform required me to stay as slim as I could. Being naturally curvy hadn’t helped the situation as I worked extra hard to keep my body fat down. Giving up that part of my life had allowed me to finally eat things I had been missing out on half my life. I had put on a few pounds, but felt they suited my frame better than before. And yes, I had to endure a few snide remarks from Lacey, but I didn’t take the bait. She would get hers one day. Besides, she wishes she could eat like I was now.

Mom set the plate of pancakes down in front of me and I dug into them with gusto. She watched me for a moment and then laughed.

“What?” I asked, feeling a little self-conscious.

“I’m just not used to seeing you enjoy food so much,” she said, shooting Megan a smile who returned it.

“Okay, so you guys were right. I’ve been missing out.” I said as my mom laughed out loud for the first time in months, and Megan let out a small giggle.

My mom’s smile turned wistful as she watched us, and I didn’t need mindreading skills to know what she was thinking.

Our laughter died away and we finished eating as we all tried hard not mention the person who was missing.

I arrived at school before the first bell rang and found Colton waiting for me at my locker.