My Uncle Oswald

Yasmin came in looking cool and clean. The champagne arrived at the same time. We waited until the servant had opened the bottle and filled the glasses and left the room. 'Now,' I said, 'tell me all.'

'It was amazing,' she said. 'The preliminaries went exactly as you said they would. I was ushered into an enormous room with Goyas and El Grecos all over the walls. The King was at the far end sitting behind a huge desk. He was dressed in a plain suit. He stood up and came forward to greet me. He had a moustache and was not a bad looking little fellow. He kissed my hand. And my God, Oswald, you should have seen the way he fawned all over me because he thought I was the King of England's mistress. "Madame," he said, "I am enchanted to meet you. And how is our mutual friend?"

' "He has a slight touch of gout," I said, "but otherwise he's in splendid condition." Then I went through the chocolate routine and he ate his little truffle like a lamb and with a good deal of relish. "These are magnificent," he said, chewing away. "I must have my ambassador send me a few pounds." As he swallowed the last bit of chocolate, I noted the time on my watch. "Pray be seated," he said.

'There were four big sofa things in the room and before sitting down I examined them carefully. I wanted to choose the softest and most practical of the four. I knew that in nine minutes' time the one I selected would become a battlefield.'

'Good thinking,' I said.

'I chose an enormous sort of chaise longue covered in plum-coloured velvet. The King remained standing and as we talked he strolled about the room with his hands clasped behind his back, trying to look regal.

'I said, "Our mutual friend has asked me to tell you, sire, that if you yourself should ever require any confidential assistance in his country, you could rely upon him absolutely."

' "I shall bear it in mind," he said.

' "He sent you another message as well, your Majesty."

' "What was that?"

' "You promise you won't be cross if I tell you?"

' "Certainly not, madame. Tell me what else he said."

' "He said, you tell that good-looking Alfonso to keep his hands off my girl. That's word for word what he said, your Majesty." Little Alfonso laughed and clapped his hands and said, "Dear lady, I shall respect his wishes but only with the greatest difficulty." '

'Yasmin,' I said, 'you're a clever little bitch.'

'Oh, it was such fun,' she said. 'I loved twisting him around. He was madly curious about my so-called affair but he didn't quite dare to mention it. He kept putting leading questions to me. He said, "I presume you have a house in London?"

' "Of course," I said. "I have my own London house where I entertain in normal fashion. Then I have a small very private place in Windsor Great Park where a certain person can call on me when he is out riding. And I have a cottage on the Sandring-ham Estate where again that certain person can pop in for a cup of tea when he is out shooting pheasants. As you probably know, he adores shooting."

' "I know that," Alfonso said. "And I hear he is the best shot in England."

' "Yes," I said, "and in more ways than one, your Majesty."

' "Ha!" he said. "I see you are a funny lady."'

'Were you watching the time?' I said to Yasmin.

'You bet I was. I've forgotten exactly what he was saying when the moment arrived, but the interesting thing is that he froze right in the middle of a sentence just as old Woresley had done in the lab. Here it comes, I told myself. Put on the boxing gloves.'

'Did he jump you?'

'No, he didn't. Don't forget Woresley had had a double dose.'

'Ah yes.'

'Anyway, he was standing in front of me when he froze and he was wearing tight trousers so I could see very clearly what was going on around there. At precisely that moment, I told him I collected the autographs of great men and asked him if he would give me his signature on Palace notepaper. I got up and went to his desk myself and found the paper and told him where to sign. It was too easy. The wretched man hardly knew what he was doing. He signed and I put the paper in my purse and sat down again. You know, Oswald, you can make them do just about anything you want if you catch them right at the very moment when the powder first hits them. They're so astonished and embarrassed by the suddenness of it all they'll do absolutely anything. We're never going to have any trouble getting their signatures. Anyway, I was back again on the sofa now and Alfonso was standing there goggling at me and he kept swallowing which made his Adam's apple jump up and down. Red in the face he was, too, and then he started taking deep breaths. "Come and sit down, your Majesty," I said, patting the place beside me. He came and sat down. The swallowing and the goggling and the fidgeting went on for about a minute and I could see this absolutely terrific lech building up inside him as the powder got to work. It was like steam building up in a boiler with nowhere to escape except through the safety valve. And the saf

ety valve was little me. If he didn't get little me he was going to explode. Suddenly he said in a chokey and rather prim sort of voice, "I wish you to remove your clothes, madame."

' "Oh sire!" I cried, putting both hands on my breast. "What are you saying!"

' "Take them off," he said, gulping.

' "But then you will ravish me, your Majesty!" I cried.

' "Please don't keep me waiting," he said, gulping some more.