After that, I decided that marriage really isn't for me right now. I love my boys with all my heart, and I know that we are committed to each other forever. I don't need a piece of paper to prove it or a bunch of people to watch us make our love public. It feels special for it to be private, a beautiful and warm thing that exists just between us.
Natalie has tried to encourage me to forget my dad's opinion, but it isn't even about him anymore. I just want to exist in peace and concentrate on Brett. Maybe I'll change my mind in the future, maybe not. Either way, I'm happy.
"I still can't believe that Carmella chose me to be her maid of honor."
"She's your sister," Natalie says. My friend doesn't have siblings of her own, so she doesn't get how complicated relationships can be. There has never been any falling out between me and Carmella, just a constant low-running level of competition that has kept things awkward between us.
"I'm sure she has friends that are closer," I shrug.
"I think maybe she values you more than you value her."
That's a hard thing to face. It's odd to think of how different Carmella's perception of our connection might be to my own. "Anyway, I'll do my duty today and be the best maid of honor that I can be. And then I'm sure that things will just go back to normal directly after."
"I might be wrong to be hoping for change," Natalie says. "Life is so much better when our family connections are easy."
I recall the hurtful words that Blake spewed the last time the boys tried to make contact with him. They video-called to introduce him to our son just hours after he was born. They had so much hope that seeing his first grandchild was going to soften this heart, but it wasn't to be. Where Conrad came around to accepting his sons' unusual setup, Blake has remained fixed in his disapproval. I used to feel so much guilt, but that has passed.
Blake's disapproval remains a constant sore spot for my men, who deserve a father who will accept them and respect their choices. None of us has a right to dictate how another human being finds happiness. Our time on this planet is short, and all types of commitment are valid when they're built on love.
"I'm worried my dress is going to look hideous," I say. "I had it in my head that this baby pouch was going to be gone by now."
"I know you're going to look amazing. And give yourself a break. You've just grown a human being. Your body took nine months to stretch. It needs time to adjust. And you're still breastfeeding."
"I'm hungry all the time," I moan.
"And that's natural. When Brett's the size of Thai, we can talk about abdominal strengthening exercises. Until then, you need to relax. I know those men of yours love all the extra curves. They're just like their cousins. I swear Mason, Max, and Miller couldn't get enough of me while I was carrying the baby weight. It's all more to grab hold of. And Thai and Tommy love squishing what's left of my baby belly. They tell me I'm cuddly, and I love it."
As though he doesn't want to be outdone by his second cousin, Brett shifts in my arms, snuggling closer. Natalie is right. All the body changes that come with pregnancy should be something that we welcome, relish and embrace. I vow to try and keep my thoughts positive.
"I'm so grateful that Conrad let us all stay over last night. The journey from Hope Springs would have been too long to make twice in one day."
Natalie waves my thanks away. "He loves having everyone here. I know I used to tease about him, but he really is a family man."
"Well. I think I'm going to go inside and take a shower now this little man is sleeping. "I'll be gone before breakfast. I'm going to head to Carmella's to help her get ready. Can you keep an eye on Brett? I know the boys know how to look after him, but just double check they have his diaper bag before they leave for the church."
Natalie grins as the morning breeze ruffles her hair. "Of course I will. I have three husbands I have to remind about everything. I'm very used to it."
The dress, it turns out, actually looks great. I'll admit to squeezing myself into body-shaping underwear, so that I don't look too lumpy. I manage to express both sides while I'm doing my makeup and put the milk in the minifridge that we brought with us. Gone are the days when keeping beers on hand was a top priority. Now, the products of my lactation have replaced the brown glass bottles of the past.