The Slaying of the Shrew (Shakespeare & Smythe 2)

“I see nothing of the sort,” he replied, angrily, feeling the color rising to his face. “What I see is that this girl has been filling your head with all sorts of arrant nonsense. I have never met Catherine Middleton, nor has she even laid eyes upon me, and yet despite this, she apparently deems herself fit to sit in judgement over my character, and not only mine, which is presumptuous enough, but all men in general. Would that I had such wisdom at the age of seventeen! Odd’s blood! With such sagacity, by now I could have been not only a gentleman in my own right, but a privy counselor and doubtless a peer of the realm! Indeed, perhaps we should recommend your friend Catherine to Sir William, so that he, in turn, can recommend her to the queen, for ‘tis clear that she should be advising her along with Walsingham and Cecil as one of her chief ministers.”

“Oh, now who is spouting arrant nonsense?” Elizabeth retorted. “You are speaking like a simple, addle-pated fool!”

“Well, you might recall

that ‘twas this ‘simple, addle-pated fool’ to whom you turned for help when you were in your desperate hour,” Smythe replied, stung by her words. “And when all else seemed convinced that you were taking leave of your senses and would soon be bound for Bedlam, ‘twas this ‘simple, addle-pated fool’ alone who listened to you and believed in you and helped you. Well, fool I may be, milady, but I shall tell you who is the greater fool, and that would be the man whose supreme folly shall be to say ‘I do’ to Catherine Middleton, for in his ‘do-ing’ shall come his undoing, mark my words.”

“He shall be marrying a shrew, is that your meaning, then?” asked Elizabeth, archly.

“ ‘Twas you who said it and not I!”

She shook her head. “You sorely disappoint me, Tuck. I expected rather more from you. But then ‘tis I who am to blame for having expectations. Women who have expectations of men are often doomed to disappointment.”

“And did your clever friend Catherine say that, too?” asked Smythe.

“As a matter of fact, she did,” Elizabeth replied. “I disagreed with her in that, as well, and told her that you lived up to all my expectations. ‘You will see,’ was all she said. And so I have. Would that I had not. Good day to you, sir.”

She abruptly turned and walked away with a firm, purposeful stride.

Smythe was so taken aback, he simply stood there motionless, staring after her, caught in the grip of indecision and conflicting emotions. A part of him wanted to go after her, but he was not sure if it was to apologize or else continue the argument until he could make her see his side of it. Yet another part stubbornly resisted, telling him to let her go and let the devil take her. He felt very angry, but at the same time, he was filled with regret and self-reproach. And he did not understand what had just happened.

They had never argued like this before. Elizabeth had never behaved like that before. It was a side of her that he had never before seen. Granted, she was willful and possessed of strong opinions, but he had never known her to be so utterly unreasonable, so stubbornly obstinate, so… shrewish.

The corners of his mouth turned down in distaste as he thought of Catherine Middleton, a young woman whom he did not even know, but whom he already disliked intensely. She appeared to be trying to poison Elizabeth ’s mind against him. And apparently, she was succeeding.

“Oh, you were so right, Catherine!” Elizabeth said. “He behaved just as you predicted!”

“Well, that is because men are so utterly predictable,” Catherine Middleton said dryly, as the tailor and his apprentices busied themselves with the fitting of her wedding gown. “Ow! Have a care, you clumsy oaf. You stuck me again!”

“Forgive me, mistress,” said the young apprentice, around a mouthful of pins, as he draped cloth over her farthingale. “I shall try to be more careful.”

“That is what you said the last two times,” replied Catherine, noting that he did not sound especially contrite. “I am not here to be your pin cushion, you fumble-fingered rogue.” She turned to the tailor. “If you cannot find any male apprentices who are less ham-handed, then perhaps you should seek to employ women, so they can perform the job properly!” The cloth slipped from the farthingale as she turned, causing the apprentice to step back, throw up his hands and roll his eyes at his master in exasperation.

“The seamstresses who work for me do the job very properly, indeed, milady,” said the tailor, in a haughty tone, as he stood back with his arms folded, surveying the scene with a critical eye. “However, the fitting must perforce be done properly for them to do their job the way they should. And that requires a certain degree of cooperation from the wearer of the dress, you see.”

“The wearer of the dress shall not survive to wear it if she is bled to death by your incompetent apprentices,” Catherine replied, dryly. “Ow! Now you did that on purpose, you miserable cur!” She shoved the offending apprentice away and he lost his balance, falling hard on his rump, venom in his angry gaze.

“I must insist that you desist from abusing my apprentices, milady,” the tailor said.

“Then kindly instruct them to keep their oafish hands to themselves!” Catherine replied, jerking away from another young apprentice as he fumbled at her extremely low-cut bodice. “You think I do not know what they are about, the knaves?”

“Here, here, what’s all this row?” demanded Godfrey Middleton sternly as he entered the room. “Catherine, I could hear you railing clearly all the way from the bottom of the stairs!”

“Well then, Father, I am pleased that you shall hear more clearly still now that you are here,” Catherine replied.

Elizabeth had to bite down on her knuckle to keep from chuckling. She knew her own father thought that she was spoiled and willful, but she would never have had the courage to speak to him as Catherine did to her father. Not that Catherine was truly rude or disrespectful. She managed somehow to be defiant without openly appearing to defy. It was, however, a fine line that she walked, and Catherine sometimes seemed balanced quite precariously.

“I have heard clearly enough already,” Middleton said, with a sniff. “There is no excuse for this cantankerous behavior, Catherine. These men are merely trying to do their job.”

“Trying is truly what they are,” said Catherine. “They are trying my patience sorely with their pricking pins and groping fingers. I find this entire process vexing and outrageous beyond measure.”

“Milord, upon my oath, I can assure you that my apprentices and I have exercised the utmost care and taken absolutely no untoward liberties,” the tailor said, in a gravely offended tone. “Indeed, if any injury has been sustained here, it has been to young Gregory, yonder, who was just assaulted in a most unseemly manner by your daughter.”

“Aye, ‘twas most unseemly,” echoed Gregory, looking like a little dog that had been kicked.

“I’ll give you unseemly, you lying little guttersnipe!” said Catherine, raising her hand at him. Gregory cowered, as if in fear for his very life.

“That will be quite enough, Kate!” her father said.