Lux (The Nocte Trilogy 3)

“When will they let you come home?” I ask hesitantly, because even now, I know that I have to go. Finn’s probably beside himself. They’re probably combing the estate for me, and once Jones calls them… all is lost. They won’t let me out of their sight again for a month.

“Probably tomorrow,” he promises, and for a split second, there’s warmth there, in his tone, in his eyes. He looks at me and he sees me. No one else does… no one but Finn.

Everyone else sees who I could be.

Who I might be.

Who I should be.

They don’t see who I am.

But Finn does. And Dare does.

It makes me feel closer to them than anyone else in the world.

“Go,” Dare urges me. His phone is ringing and I know who it is. I know it before he even answers it.

“She was here,” he confirms into the mouthpiece. “But she’s on her way home now. I wanted her to come. It was my fault.” His eyes burn into mine, and I shake my head because why is he taking the blame? He’s protecting me yet again.

He nods to me, toward the door, his attention still with Eleanor who I know is on the other end of that call.

Go, he mouths to me. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Reluctantly, I make my feet move away from him.

I don’t want to leave him alone, because I know what alone feels like.

But I have no choice. If I don’t, they’ll come get me, because we’re all prisoners. Prisoners of expectations, prisoners of responsibility, prisoners of life.

But someday… I’ll live free, just like Dare.

I don’t even glance at Jones when he opens my car door.

“I know you called them,” I grumble.

“You lied to me,” he says quietly as he climbs into the front. I don’t have an answer to that. Because it’s true. I did lie.

When I get back to Whitley, everyone is so relieved, everyone but Finn. After dinner, he glares at me when we’re in the privacy of the empty library.

“You could’ve told me,” he says stiffly. “I would’ve gone with you. I care about him, too.”

Not like me, you don’t. But obviously I don’t say that. Finn made his opinion known long ago and he’s said it many times since. You can’t love Dare. But he’s wrong. I can, and I do.

“I didn’t want you to get in trouble,” I tell him, which is only partially true. I wanted to see Dare alone.

Finn doesn’t believe me because he knows me. He knows me better than anyone. When he walks me back to my room, he touches my elbow at my door.

“You’ve got to behave. Eleanor will talk mom into leaving you here with Sabine all year long. Or worse. Is that what you want?”

“No, of course not,” I say quickly, because the idea of being separated from Finn makes my heart constrict and pound in terror. But at the same time, the idea of being here with Dare makes it soar.

I’m a contradiction, an endless, endless contradiction.

Finn is pacified and we say goodnight and he sleeps in his own room tonight, because he doesn’t know how unsettled I am, and how I don’t know why.

I can’t settle in, and I can’t settle down.

My blood is rush, rush, rushing through my veins, through my heart, pounding through my temples, and my feet itch to run, run, run away… down the halls, out the doors and away from this house.