Until We Fly (Beautifully Broken 4)

He’s all I want.

When he’s here, everything is okay.

I wipe my mouth and fall back against him, perfectly aware that I’m naked, but not willing to try and use it to my advantage.

Brand pulls me to my feet, and holds me up.

“Was it something you ate?” he asks gently.

Yeah. A wrinkled penis that was shoved in my mouth months ago.

I shake my head. “I don’t know. I’m just going to brush my teeth and go to bed early.”

“Okay. Call if you need me,” Brand tells me again, concern in his husky voice. I can’t bring myself to even look at him, because I’m afraid that if I do, he’ll see what I am. He’ll know what I did. He’ll know that I wasn’t strong enough to stop it.

“Okay.”

I listen to the creak of Brand’s crutches as he walks out, then I brush my teeth and wash my face.

My fingers still shake. The sick feeling lingers.

I’m alone. I’m so fucking alone.

I know that Brand is in the other room, and I know that even if miracle of miracles, I manage to make him want me this summer, he’d never want me if he knew what I’ve done. He’d never want me, and I could never take seeing the repulsion on his face if he ever found out.

He can never find out.

I wouldn’t be able to take the rejection.

I reach for the bottle of sleeping pills sitting on my nightstand. I haven’t been able to sleep without them for months, ever since it happened. While I hesitate to put anything chemical in my body now, anything mind-altering, I know that if I don’t take these blessed little pills, I’ll never sleep again.

I’ll never sleep again because I’m afraid of the shadows, and of what they might bring. I have good reason.

I gulp it down, and lean back, waiting for sweet oblivion. It comes rather quickly and I fall asleep breathing in the sweet lavender smell of my pillow.

Unfortunately, as sometimes happens, the pills also bring vivid dreams, or in this case, nightmares.

Memories.

The problem is, even though I know they’re nightmares, it’s hard to wake up. It’s like I’m tied to the bed, like I once was, unable to move.

My body writhes as I try to get away.

Hands.

Hot breath.

Straps.

Slaps.

Pinches.

Sucks.

Bites.

Pain.