Biker's Virgin

"You weren't. I was there, Vee. Both of you were still so hung up over each other. You asked me whether he was seeing someone else."

"It doesn't matter now. I'm done living in the past." I didn't believe myself, but I was hoping that she would. That or she'd just fold and let it go. If I told her what it was, she'd just go tell her brother.

"Was it what I told you?" she asked. I tried to keep my face neutral.

"No. Nothing like that. It was just me and what I had to do."

"You really have to do this again to figure out that you're meant for each other?"

"That's the thing. We aren't. When he dumped me last year, it was because he didn't want to be honest with me. Didn't trust me with the news that he had to leave. I had no idea that was how he felt. We weren't on the same page, and that is why it doesn't matter if we got together now. It wouldn't work. He doesn't feel the same way I do."

It was only half a lie. There was some truth there, but I had forgiven Roman for what he had done. I didn't want to dwell on that when I loved him so much and saw how earnestly he wanted to correct the situation.

"I can't believe this is happening again."

"This will be the last time," I said.

"Are you okay?"

"I will be."

"I'm sorry this is happening. It must be hard, even though this is the second time."

"I'll be okay. I was last time," I said, shrugging. She came over and hugged me.

"How do drinks sound?"

"Are you buying?"

"Of course," she said, grinning.

I was kidding, but a drink did sound good. She waited for me while I hopped in the shower and made myself presentable. Putting makeup on was therapeutic in a way. It got you ready to, well, pretend, and that was what I had to do tonight. I wanted to have a good time. It would be hard, but I wanted to give it my best shot. For my sake and Tiff's, too. I had broken up with him this time – I had a shorter misery grace period.

We each took our cars, stopping for dinner before finding a bar. It was Friday night, so there were a good number of people in it. Some people I recognized from school, doing with their summer what part of me still wished that I could have done.

How would things have gone differently if I hadn't forced the summer classes thing? I wondered. I'd been so set on it that I hadn't thought past anything other than maybe going home. I could have gone on vacation, disappeared till it was fall. If I had, I would have missed Roman completely and none of this would have happened.

He could have made the decision to join the team and left for Miami all without me even hearing about it. I could have spent this time traveling, hiking, bumming at my parents' place – anything but this. It would have simple. I never would have had to make space for him in my life again, just to rip him out as violently as he ripped himself out the first time.

He'd meet someone in Miami eventually, I'd meet someone here, or wherever I ended up after graduation, and our lives wouldn't cross paths again. I didn't want to remember it, lying in bed with him, making love, hearing him say he loved me... If I was getting rid of the bad, the good had to go with it. This was for him. I'd survive, but there was no guarantee that he would get another team offer like this if he turned this one down.

"Can I get you ladies anything?" a waitress asked. I just repeated what Tiffany asked for. A mojito, even though I didn't tend to drink tequila-based cocktails. My usual was wine, but I was feeling like something stronger fit the occasion better. I started feeling warm after downing half the glass.

"Can we talk about what happened?" she asked.

"Are you asking me to sit here and trash him? I don't know how I feel about that."

"You would if it was anyone else."

"I would if it was him, too... There just isn't a reason to with him. I made this decision. He made some mistakes, some stuff I couldn't get over. He wasn't a dog."

"I'm still here if you ever want to talk."

"Sorry for putting you in this position."

"All I can do is trust that both of you are happy with what you choose, whatever it is."

"Did he tell you nothing?"