Best Friend's Ex Box Set

Ever since Ollie had come back to town, I had been choking back a complete nervous breakdown. Emotions had been billowing up and over at every turn, and until that point, I had done a really good job at controlling how I was feeling. But there, sitting in my robe, wrapped in the silence of the house, I could no longer hold it in. I put my head in my hands and started to sob.

It had been so many years of pain and torture since my best friend died, and I had done a hell of a job working past the grief and the heartache that came along with that. I had seen a therapist, gone to grief counseling, and followed every order I was given, but still, I was back at this point. I was naturally shy, not outspoken like Lillie, which made it incredibly hard for me to make friends in the first place. Couple that with the fact that behind my sweet smile, there was nothing but pain; to this day, I still hadn’t made any real friends, not ones I could call and talk to at least. Everything I had, every friend I had in the world, died when Lillie did. I hated the way that people looked at me, like I was going to break at any second. It was a very lonely and cold existence.

To make matters worse, the one last person I had in my life after Lillie died was Ollie, and he bolted at graduation, not even saying goodbye. If I was being totally honest, Ollie was also the only guy that I ever really liked, which did wonders for my self-esteem and my future dating career. I was just there in Madison, all alone, with nothing but Lillie’s ghost to keep me company and continue to torture me. And yes, by saying he was the only guy I ever cared about, it was true. I had a seriously big crush on him, something that had been there for years, but it was pointless to think about. I mean, in all seriousness, who wouldn’t have a crush on Ollie? He was smart and funny, and he never played stupid games like all the other boys did. He loved with his heart, not his dick, and he treated everyone like they were worth something, no matter who they were. It was the kind of caring that women dreamed of having in their boyfriend’s heart.

But none of that mattered, ever, because Ollie had belonged to Lillie, and I would have never betrayed that for anything in the world. She was my best friend, my biggest fan, and my sister, and I wanted her to be happy. But what about now? Did Ollie still belong to Lillie? Had I violated her trust, even though she had long been deceased? God, and him leaving without saying a word, what did that mean? I sunk down into the bed and pulled the blanket over me, my dark thoughts depriving me of sleep and taking me deep into the night.

Chapter 13

Ollie

When I woke up in the morning, I wanted to rip my head off my shoulders it hurt so bad. My mouth was as dry as cotton, and the room was still spinning, even hours after my last drink. I hadn’t had a hangover like that in ages, and I wasn’t even sure what to do with it, feeling like maybe hangovers in your late twenties were a bit more difficult to get over than those in your early twenties. There was no way that I was running this morning, and as I pulled myself from the bed, I kicked at my running shoes, stumbling into the bathroom to splash water on my face. I picked up my head and stared at myself in the mirror, barely recognizing the face that looked back at me. It had been an interesting evening; that was for sure. I was able to more than feel it all over my body at that moment. What I wouldn’t have given to have ordered breakfast from somewhere like Mickie’s Dairy Bar: a big greasy plate like the ones I had in college the morning after an extreme bender.

Then again, even that place had memories that were inextricably tied to my life before. Lillie was everywhere I looked, no matter what I did. She was in the trees, walking down the sidewalk, and in every restaurant or bar I went into, even if she had never been there before. I asked myself every time I went into a place whether Lillie would like the place or not. I almost felt like it was getting a bit ridiculous. I had lost her five years ago, but I was still pining for her, still wondering what she would think and if I was going to damage her memory.

I dried off my face and walked back into the bedroom, pulling on a pair of pants and a t-shirt and wandering out into the kitchen. It was too early for me to go to work, but I was already awake, memories flooding my brain before I had a chance to actually wake up. Maybe I was fooling myself. Maybe it was just a lost cause. Maybe all of the exorcism thoughts and the hopes for a fresh start were just silly dreams. Maybe I was destined for a life that revolved around suffering and wanting, not love and family. Maybe it was time that I came to terms with everything that happened in my life. Maybe, just maybe, all of this was inescapable. Either way, I had to keep going, trying to get through the days until something came of it.

I pulled out a carton of eggs and made myself an omelet with cheese and vegetables. It wasn’t very often that I cooked, but I needed to feel better. I needed to get my strength back. I had let myself get carried away, forgetting how hard I had worked and knowing what exactly work did for me. It took away the pain, or at least numbed it enough to make me feel normal for a bit. The truth of the matter was, I was making mistakes, things that I couldn’t take back and things that I knew were going to hurt other people, not just me.

I should have never slept with Elana. It was wrong, and not because of our attraction, but because she was Lillie’s best friend. She was everything that was left that was good out of the whole situation, and I had slept with her, giving her hope that there was more to me than I could actually ever provide. It was terrible of me. I knew it now, but in the moment, and even upon first waking up, my chest fluttered thinking of her and her soft skin.

What was I thinking? I had to stop this and stop it now. Of course, Elana was stunningly beautiful, with her amazing eyes, her dark, silky hair, and a smile that lit up the room. She came out of her shell when I came back. I could tell. And for a moment, I felt like I was part of something really special. I felt like I was part of Elana’s life, not Lillie’s, not the past, but actually part of something new and amazing. Then I went and slept with her, killing the idea that I was walking into the future instead of standing still in the past. When I had woken up beside her, feeling the feelings I had felt, guilt took over, and immediately, I started to slip back, feeling almost as if I had betrayed Lillie in some way.

Elana was not the first wo

man since Lillie that I had sex with, but the rest of the women had been flings, one-night stands to sate my appetite while I was in Phoenix. In reality, I had gone out looking for a specific type of woman, one that I wouldn’t even think about dating, one that was willing to feel passion but only for one night. I was wasted half the time, barely remembering the woman’s name the next morning, only to wake up, grab a bottle, and push them out of my apartment. I wasn’t proud of the man I became when I left Madison, but that was just the cold, hard truth of it all. But Elana, she was my friend, and even more important than that, she was Lillie’s best friend.

Immediately, a sick feeling moved over my stomach, and I put my fork down, no longer having an appetite. It was as if somehow and some way, I had shit all over everything that Lillie had meant to me. I had slept with the woman she called her sister, as if nothing was wrong with it whatsoever. I felt terrible, but something in the back of mind still wanted to be around Elana, still wanted to feel her next to me in the same way I had the night before. My mind was running circles around me, pushing me with guilt and then relieving me with comfort, only to turn around and do it all over again. Elana had been amazing in so many ways that even as I quietly pulled my clothes on in the dark of her room, I couldn’t help but stare lovingly at her as she slept peacefully in the bed, her black hair sprawled out around her. She had brought life into me, even if it were for only one day and one night. I couldn’t explain it or rationalize it. All I could do was live with that and what I had done.

Elana had relaxed me with her dry wit and good spirits. She joked in the same way that I did, bringing laughter back into my life when I thought I would never laugh again. Five years was a really long time to be angry, and in that moment, next to Elana, I let go of it. I let go of the guilt and anger and pain that I had been suffering with for so long. It might have come back, eerily creeping in as I slept, but I couldn’t deny that the way I felt the day before was what I hunted for on a daily basis. To feel like a normal man again, not a shell of a man wandering the earth trying to fill myself back up with a love lost and never to return.

Our flirtation had gotten me so hot and bothered that it supercharged our coming together. I could feel it from the first moment our hands touched outside of the library, and even though I refused to acknowledge it, that heat burned slowly in the back of my stomach, waiting for a chance to ignite. It had ignited the night before, and instead of a small flame, it was an explosion of passion and lust. It was like a hurricane burrowing down and moving quickly across the land, knocking down everything in its path, its wrath unheard but definitely not unnoticed.

I had sat with that woman, staring at her in the car, trying to remind myself that I was a man and that life was going on without me. I needed to act right then and there, or I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life. Now, however, I was sitting in my house, completely alone once again, regretting acting with the haste that I did. The emotions were more than confusing, and they didn’t allow me one moment of peace. How long was I going to have to live in suffering? How long was I going to have to sit by and watch life pass me by while I chased a shadow that didn’t actually exist anywhere else but inside of my mind?

And now what was I left with? My life was in complete ruins, and my sanity seemed to be holding on by a thread. I was standing in my kitchen, feeling guilty for sleeping with a woman that made me feel amazing, and all because I was still unable to let go of my dead fiancée. I was starting to think that everything was useless, that coming back to Madison was completely useless. My thoughts that I could ever actually fall into a good routine in that place were almost laughable.

I dumped the rest of my breakfast into the trashcan and walked into the bedroom, realizing I needed to get ready for work. It was probably the best thing for me since it would silence the voices and echoes inside of my head, at least for a little while. By the time I was finished showering and ready to go, I was feeling a little bit less self-loathing. I couldn’t let my life go down this path. I couldn’t allow myself to truly believe that without Lillie there was nothing else in this world for me.

I grabbed my stuff and headed out to the office, jumping in my car and making the short drive over. When I arrived, I went to my desk and started to check my email, answering a few but then becoming distracted as Mike poked his head out his office door and waved at me. There was no reason that I needed to continue to be lonely, to stand there drowning in my own sorrow. If I wanted to move past all of this, I would need to pull myself up and walk forward, haunted or not. I got up from my desk and walked to Mike’s office, knocking on the doorframe and smiling as he invited me in.

“Did you have a good weekend?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said, lying. “It was pretty good for the first full week back in Madison.”

“Good,” he said. “What can I do for you?”

“I was wondering if you would email me over more information about the singles’ softball league that you told me about,” I replied. “I think I might want to give it a try.”

“Of course,” he said happily. “I’ll send it right over.”

“Thank you, sir,” I replied, walking for the door.

“Oh, and Ollie,” Mike said, stopping me. “You did a killer job on the Mullholland account. That will definitely be a bonus client on your paycheck.”

“Thank you, sir,” I said, smiling and walking away.

When I got back to my desk, I took in a deep breath and pulled out my phone. I scanned down to Elana’s text messages and started typing. I felt terrible, double and triple guessing myself. In the end, though, I knew what was in the best interest of her, me, and everyone else involved. So, I let her know that I was incredibly sorry for leaving the way I did, but because of our history, it might be better for us to not see each other for a while.