Firefighter's Virgin

“Gave you the feels, did it?” I said, only slightly teasing so that he didn’t feel too awkward.

“Little bit,” he admitted.

We laughed together, and our laughter harmonized, making me feel slightly hopeful again. That hope was dangerous because it was starting to make me impulsive.

“Phil,” I said before I could stop myself.

“Yes, Megan?” he said, with laughter still lingering in his tone.

“Do you like me?” I asked bluntly without stopping to rethink my words.

“Of course, I like you—”

“That’s not what I’m asking,” I said slowly.

“I… What are you asking?” I sensed that he was just as nervous as I was, and he didn’t want to put his foot in it by assuming something I wasn’t asking him.

“I suppose I’m asking you if you see us as being…just friends?” I said, unable to turn back now.

“Oh.”

“Oh?” I repeated. “Is that your answer?

”

“No, of course not,” he replied. “I’m sorry, you just caught me off guard.”

His reaction was slow coming, and that made my nerves ratchet up like a tidal wave. “Megan,” he began, and I felt my heart break just a little.

“There is something between us,” I jumped in and spoke before he could continue. The courage that had ensconced me a moment ago and compelled me to ask the question had now vanished completely, and I was just scared and nervous once again. “We have this amazing connection that I’ve never had with any other guy before… Or is it just me?”

“No,” Phil said slowly. “No, it’s most definitely not just you.”

I felt a little flutter brushing up against my heartstrings, but I sensed that there was more he was going to say, and I probably wasn’t going to like it.

“We do have a connection, Megan,” he said. “But my life is…crazy at the moment and I don’t know that I can invest in a relationship. Right now all I have room for in my life is a friend.”

“I see,” I said, feeling dejected and cold.

“And, you’re Brent’s sister, and I don’t want to cross that line with you…for the sake of my relationship with Brent,” Phil continued. “I do like you; you’re an amazing, funny, interesting, beautiful woman. But…”

“You’re just not looking for that right now,” I said, keeping my tone calm and unaffected.

“Right,” he said. “Can you understand that?”

What could I say? I had no choice but to force some lightness into my voice before replying, “Of course I understand, Phil.”

“I don’t want to stop talking to you, Megan,” he said. “I like our relationship the way it is, and I want it to continue. I still want to be friends.”

“We are friends, Phil,” I assured him, even though I could barely stomach the disappointment. “You don’t have to worry about that.”

“So you’re not just going to say goodbye now, hang up on me, and never speak to me again?” he clarified.

“Would it hurt if I did?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe,” he said immediately.

It felt wrong somehow. He was telling me he didn’t want a relationship right now. But he was also telling me that he needed to speak to me every day. He wanted to be my friend. It would hurt him to never speak to me again. Something was not adding up. Either I was just delusional, or he was in denial.